Thanks everybody!!!

What a relief that I'm not alone here. I crack myself up when I realize how much thought I put into what I'll wear to therapy. I might even have something dry-cleaned a week in advance. Pitiful. Even this morning I worried because I realized I like the outfit I'm wearing right now, but it'd be too soon to wear to work again on Tuesday when I have therapy. So drat. Gotta dig up something else. I am such a dork! I'm glad to have companions in my dorkiness!!!

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withit said:
Sidony, what a confession! It takes guts to admit this to yourself, how much more so to your t! Though i venture to say it might be of value to discuss this with t.

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Oh yeah that's not gonna happen. I'd die of shame and probably fall through the floor.

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withit said:
Your style of writing is just so funny, made me laugh....
How long you been seeing this t?

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Just over a year now. He's the best.

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withit said:
Seems you still need to 'put up a facade' with this t, and as you feel more trusting with him and accepting of yourself you might just drop the need to appear a certain way for him. I think it's a huge step in the right direction when we can shed our facades, and just be 'ourselves' in the company of our t's. To just 'be', and to be 'present', to 'exist', without shame or fear of rejection. To know that we are accepted for who we are, despite our imperfections. And that we don't need to 'appear' a certain way in order to gain the acceptance of our t, but most importantly of ourselves.

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Yeah all true. But in general I do like to look nice. It's just that I put a lot of extra thought into it for therapy.

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Juliana said:
I wanted my external "fabulous" appearance to make up for what was lacking in my coping skills. It made me feel more comfortable and confident and I think that made it easier for me to open up to my therapist. When I look like crap, I feel worse and it's harder for me to communicate confidently and openly.

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Yup, that's just how I feel.

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Juliana said:
P.S. I have to admit that I did find my therapist attractive, though. I think it was only natural. He was my age, good-looking, agreed with everything I said and told me I was intelligent and wonderful. What girl isn't going to enjoy that? Since I had been isolated for so long, I think I was just enjoying being in the company of a man as well. So, feeling attractive and comfortable talking to a man I found attractive was good practice too -- one more preparation for when I got better and started socializing again.

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Nothing wrong with that! I remember being afraid that I'd be too attracted to someone my age, and that was one of the reasons (not the only one) that I wanted someone older. But even with his being older, I feel like I want to impress him and I dress nice and sometimes my mannerisms are flirtatious. He gets me though.

I love therapy.

Sidony