It was my first day back to work after being in California for a few days, and if was hard to go back. I have to spend this weekend working on a paper and studying. I'm not in school, this homework is part of my job. It makes me want to go back to school, but i don't know if that's a good idea. I'd be giving up a good job and it would be expensive. Plus i got really unwell during my masters program because of the stress. So maybe it's just a dream that will never happen. I have so many things i want to do, and no ability to do any of it. I'm just stuck, and time keeps passing. It's like i'm waiting for something to happen to make life feel exciting again, but nothing ever happens. My life is so G rated right now, it's awful. All i do is what is expected of me and it sucks. I don't know how long i can maintain things this way, but i know i can't do it forever. I need to take some risks, otherwise life is too predictable and boring.

I am sacrificing a lot for my job. I am forced into sobriety, and forced to take meds if i want to work. I like my job, and it pays really well. If i walk away from it i don't know what i could do, and i would definitely have to change my lifestyle a lot. I feel like i've sold out. I've traded my freedom for security. I'm scared to let all of that go. I have 13 months left of being monitored and forced tk be sober and medicated. The term was 40 months, so i've made ir through a lot of it. But 13 months is still a long time. I'm frustrated and angry with my situation because it feels like my back is to a wall.

So my option is to just walk away. I could move to a cheaper apartment and get an easier but lower paying job. But that would be letting the system win, because the monitors are expecting me to fail. I feel like i'm being tortured by all of this, and it just goes on and on.

When i was away last weekend it felt like none of that was happening. It felt even like a vacation from being bipolar. I still had to take my meds, but things felt really good. Now i'm back and dropped back into a life i don't like, a life where i am being controlled.

I think constantly about quitting this job and getting my freedom back. It sucks to have to make that choice because i actually really like my work.

Fml

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk