So I'm in a dark place again. I met two friends (one male, one female) for coffee tonight. I am attracted to the male friend, and the female friend is also attracted to him. The two of them flirted the entire time in front of me, in spite of the male friend claiming to not be attracted to the female friend. They also laughed at my word choices when I wasn't trying to be funny (I talk strangely sometimes due to cognitive issues) but when I legitimately made a joke they laughed half-heartedly, like it wasn't really funny.

I feel like this is "the straw that broke the camel's back". I had a lot of hope that maybe something would develop between me and the male friend. Now I can see how wrong and misguided I was.

This is about so much more than some guy I like flirting with another girl. This goes back to when I was in high school and watched the love of my life date someone else. She got engaged to her now-husband on the day I graduated high school. This goes back to the friend I had feelings for in high school, who thought I was so weird that she couldn't even be my friend anymore. (In case anyone is wondering, I'm bisexual).

This is more even than just my sorry, pathetic, nonexistent love life. I feel like everything I strive for, I'll never have. If I want something, that is the surest way to ensure that I don't get it. I wanted romance-it never happened. I wanted an adolescence-I got bipolar and spent my adolescence alone, missing every major milestone that I had waited so long for. I wanted to go to college and do something awesome, meet great people, have a roommate-turned-best-friend, and be immersed in studying something I loved. I got to college, had a shaky relationship with my roommate, had an incredibly difficult time making friends, lost all hope of ever doing something awesome, and began to hate my chosen field.

I could go on and on. I'm just so unhappy with my life. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be someone else. A "normal" person. Not someone under a curse.

I am under a curse. And it will never get better. I will always be denied that which I want most.