I spent a few hours in chat this afternoon and finally decided (someone said it was 3:18pm) to get out of bed and go eat... and I did get off the net... but never left the house... and didn't eat.

Here I am still depressed and thinking I should go eat... it's 6:12pm
soon if I wait till 7pm maybe... then I'll take a hot bath then begin taking my night meds... then I'll just wait to go to sleep ... tv and net.... till it all begins again tomorrow.

someone said this is agitated depression. how can that be? isn't agitated where you are up and doing things? I feel like lead. And though I don't think I'm eating, I look like lead...

I've gained 12 lbs in 3 weeks... I think because of the Topamax but that's only my opinion which counts for naught.

But now when I try to go eat my one meal a day, the guilt of maybe gaining more weight is too much. Passive suicide.

I would rather go jump off a very high (but brightly, prettily lit) building. I just haven't decided which one. Maybe I can go out tonight if it doesn't rain and drive to Miami and choose one? Ah, but then there's the rub of figuring out how to find the roof nah if it's a hotel I'll just book a room one day...

any way, I digress...

sigh.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>