Its with a heavy heart I write this. I don't have many people to talk to, not family and no friends. I have my husband but to bring all of this up with him brings him down and I don't want that.
Its been a long hard year . About thirteen months ago I finally stood up to a past abuser and kicked him out of my life having a new sense of freedom. A couple weeks later at 25 I was officially diagnosed with epilepsy. This was three short weeks before my wedding.
We had a beautiful wedding and a great time on our honeymoon. Things were looking up again although the new diagnosis frightened me. Things started smoothing out and everything was looking up. The two years before were rough from the unexplained seizures so to have a break from it all was wonderful. For a couple months things were great. Longer than that really, about four months and things were really looking up. My husband took the real estate classes and got his real estate license with clients lined up. I quit my job to focus on school and we moved out of our apartment and into a nice house. That's when things got hard again. Within a few weeks of moving in my husband had a multi million dollar deal that would have given us enough money to pay off my medical debts and get me a car. The contract fell through last minute and his company started taking hits for random things leading to my husband being laid off from his job. This happened two weeks after we learned I was pregnant.
I was in school full time and when my husband couldn't find a job I had to start working full time. I didn't have enough time to go to school and work full time so I had to drop my classes and now owe the school nearly 3k before I can go back.
It was about a month into my new job that I started having trouble. Small seizures that the doctors were concerned would hurt the baby so I was told working while pregnant was out of the question.
During my last day of work I got some prety upsettig news. My cousin who was only 21 took her own life. My cousin whose beauty and confidence inspired me, was gone by her own hands. It was hard to deal wih but beinf the one who wants to help others I put aside my feelings and tried to act strong foe the family.
By this point my husband still hadn't found a job and we began selling things we own. For four months he was out of work as well as myself. I sold all my jewelery, family heirlooms and even tried to sell my wedding dress but was unable. Our lights and water were constantly being shut off, I was living off of ramen noodles, beauty products and many hygeine products became a thing of the past. We sold almost everything we could while my husband took some break that he needed after his real estate job took a fall. I tried to stay supportive and after the holidays things started looking up again. My husband finally got a job paying good money as well. We started to catch up on the bills but still weren't there when we got another hit. My father, who I don't speak with had a heart attack and was diagnosed with Congestive heart failure and given six months to live. He signed a DNR anf no one in the family thought to tell me. Yes I cut my father out but I needed space, not to have him die before I could overcome these things and let my anger go. One week later and I get news that my uncle passed away in an accident.
I tried to keep my calm and keep moving forwatd. Two weeks later and we gpt our tax refund. This money was supposed to help us get all the way caught up on bills, allow me to get cclothes yhat don't have holes and a bra that actually fits, baby items for the newborn, birthday things for our six year old and a guitar for my husband. He got the guitar and my daughter had her great birtjday but three days after getting our refund my husband telld me he hates his job and wants to qiuit. This is three months before the baby is due. I cry remembering the four months of selling everything and beg him not to quit saying I just can't go back to selling everything, losing lights and water etc with the baby . I begged him. He went back to work saying he would stick it out until something better came along. That was his last day at work.
That was in february and he still hasn't gotten a job. I try to help him but he is in some funk or something. The money that was supposed to catch us up on bills, get us ready for the new baby, and get me non torn clothes went to helping us survive the last two months without selling anything but that money has run out and we are back to selling.
Three weeks ago my husband was offered a decent job but it wasn't starting for two weeks. I askrd him to keep looking hecause I didn't trust the person who offered the job but he was sure it eas the real deal. So we dcratched by waiting for this job to start. Its bern three weeks and my husband hasn't even called to check on the job he was supposed to start last week.
We got a final notice for our light and water bill but we have No money. We are running low on foof and the baby is due within four weeks.
I.just.need.a.break. every time things look up they quickly turn back down. I'm 8 months pregnant busting my *** to at least keep our home clean and in working order and my husband sleeps till 11, plays guitar all day and watched tv all night. He has tried to help many times but I spent 6+ hours a day cleaning and he spends about one. He is a good guy all around but is going through some kind of depression. I want to be there for him because I understand but I can't right now. With the baby and my inability to work I NEED him and I tell him this but our hole gets deeper and deeper.I just need breathing room but I feel like I'm suffocating!!!