That is awful that the pdoc said you are only trying to stay sick to get ssdi! I can't get over that. We don't chose this disorder...and we certainly don't fake it. It's very real. I feel lucky cause I'm on a good regimen of meds that keep me from getting hypo manic. I suffered from debilitating depression for the past three months. My pdoc wanted me to try latuda for bipolar depression. I started taking it and "thought" it housed helped a bit. Then I realized I felt really numb on it so I stopped taking it. And guess what? The depression came back with avengeance. So out of desperation I slowly started the latuda again. I think I had been on too high a dose cause I'm much better on just 20mg a day. I'm relieved. I'm feeling much better. It's hard to think we have to be meditated to feel leveled out. At least it's hard for me. You've had quite a hard time finding a new pdoc. I wish you were having better luck with that. Hopefully a spot will open up for you with a diff pdoc at the clinic yr on a waiting list for. It was a punch in the gut when my diagnosis switched from clinical depression to bp2 along with bpd, anxiety and ptsd. I remember that day and it was 10 years ago. There is a kind of therapy that has been very effective for me along with individual sessions. It's dbt which stands for dialectical behavior therapy. Don't know if you've heard of it but it helps me alot. It does meet weekly but it sounds like you wouldn't be able to do that because of finances. That's hard to know that there are options out there but not able to afford it. I'm sorry about that. I'm also on a tight budget but I make it work. It costs me 100 a month but luckily I can pay weekly for 25. I'm glad yr husband learned all about yr illness. That is so helpful! I'm sure yr closer because of it. :-) I wish things weren't so hard for you. It's esp hard to try and explain to our children about our mental state. They don't understand very easily. I hope things do get better for you. We're all here for you! Take care of you. Be easy on yr self.

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