i was born in a small town in 1996 i was the third and final child in a middle class family, i was born with a cleft lip which shortly after was repaired,the year after we moved to a bigger city, a subdivision in a good part of town, we where home schooled and living a pretty good life,until things started to happen, not to get into details but a neighbour kept knocking at are door late at night, my parents answered and he told them basically that he was sexually attracted to me, the 3 and a half year old little girl from next door, he said that we mentally connect with each other and that i am in love with him as well.right after that we got a guard dog from the local pound and put the house up for sale. that's the story my parents tell,i have a different story, one i never told anyone,probably because i felt like i deserved it because i was born with a cleft lip and it costed so much money and i don't deserve to be in a good family and lead a normal life, i remember making a promise that i would never tell anybody .

i remember waking up, it was light in the room and i didn't have any pants on, an adult male was rubbing my side and then set his left hand on my chest pressing firmly holding me into place, right hand between my legs, it started out calm and began to feel like i was drowning, i could barely breathe, which was probably from his hand jammed on my chest and one of his fingers stabbing into my throat, i remember seeing the pink striped walls in my room and the ceiling the man was standing on the floor with one knee on the bed, he had blue jeans on and a vertical striped blue and white shirt. that was the last thing i saw, i closed my eyes tightly and remember giving everything i had to escape but barely moved, grasping the sheets as hard as i could with my left hand then reaching above my head with my right hand trying to grab the bed frame as he was thrusting me back and forth i got a hold of the bed frame and for the fight of my life tried to pull myself away,then i gave up, i felt so weak i tried to scream but nothing came out, i was out of breath and felt like i was drowning in my tears,i don't remember how long it lasted, but when it stopped i turned away (Pretending to sleep?) he spoke for a minute but i couldn't hear what he was saying, it was like he wasn't speaking english, he silently walked out i waited about ten seconds and then put my pyjamas on as fast as i could, i squeezed myself into the tightest ball i could in the left corner of my bed and put all the blankets on the bed on top of me, i had no idea what just happened but i remember thinking it was my fault, i felt dirty, like i committed the worst crime in the world, after what felt like sitting there for two days i heard foot steps outside my room and decided to pretend i was sleeping, i remember thinking what people would do to me if they found out what i had just done, i was already such a burden to the family for being born with a cleft lip, would they put me on the streets, would i get disowned and left to die, i felt it was life or death if anyone found out, so i made the biggest promise of my life, no matter what happens, nobody finds out. i don't remember what happened after that incident nor who did it (i think i use to know but blocked it out when i was twelve, with a whole bunch of other memories)i don't know,and am probably better off not knowing what he actually did to me, there was definitely penetration but whether it was with his hand or if it was it rape? i don't know if that's even possibly at that age, all i know is it hurt so much on so many different levels, nothing like falling and spraining a wrist, an unexplainable pain, that some days i can still feel. i still wonder who did it, was it that perverted neighbour, was it my dad? why can't i remember.

Months past and its getting harder and harder not to say anything, i refuse to take naps and have temper tantrums every day,no one ever rationally asked me why i hated naps,i wouldn't even say the word napkin, i haven't been able to comfortably get to sleep when its light out since.
forward to 2001,i am 5 years old when i have my first memory of hiding my secret, me and my whole family are watching the new monsters inc. movie and are loving it, until there is one scene that reminds me of the event that took place a few years earlier, i start too get nervous and look away and close my ears until the scene ends, i remember thinking, maybe i am not the only one, if something like this is in a movie, it must have happened in real life to kids my age as well , and although i was never in a scream extractor, it was the first thing i really related to.

i got really 'shy' because i was scared i would occidentally tell someone something suspicious.
my parents had an old school 'right or wrong' parenting style, nothing wrong with that, but if they where to read all the parenting books they might have realized something had happened, but i think they thought my behaviour was normal,i was the only girl in the family and being born with a cleft, i was always in and out of hospitals, i was destined to be different in some respect.my father started to always get angry, seemed to hate kids in general, talks bad about his family, doesn't want his three kids to be around people in general,eventually starts hitting me and probably my two brothers as well, starting out with spankings and eventually getting full force smacks to the head, i felt like i was a piece garbage,and i did everything i could to be the adult he wanted me to be, i worked 6 hours without stopping some days, hard labour, all on my own, cleaning the house while everyone else was watching tv, playing video games and cooking, just so i could try to be good enough in my family, i started to go to work with my dad as much as i could, in the summertime we spent what felt like everyday in the heat gardening, pulling weeds laying down mulch and rocks, still i wasn't good enough,one time at work in the family business he grabbed me and threw me against the wall and screamed for five minutes about how he really felt about me, how bad of a job i was doing how i won't ever be good enough, but for whatever reason, i wasn't upset or get angry, i already knew how he felt. on the way home he said not to say anything because he was just joking. being who i was i tried to go more then ever with him to make up for my lack of not being a vary good person.being in the car with him was pretty weird sometimes, he would sometimes try to play this tickling game that always ended up in inappropriate places.

as i got older i figured out that if i don't get in trouble then no one would get hurt, i would consider myself the trouble maker of the house, so it wasn't easy but i mostly got good at covering up stuff i did, one time when i was 8 or 9 i thought i was going to get in so much trouble for something i tried to drink a bottle of windex, it didn't go as i planned i ended up spitting it up and not getting sick, nor did anyone find out what i did. around that time i started getting really scared to go out into public because i didn't want to get 'mugged' which was the only word i could relate to.
when i was 8 and 9 i really started to hate myself, i would lock myself in the wash room cupboard under the sink for long periods or time and cried for no apparent reason, i would hit myself with sticks out in the back woods behind our house and slam my arms and legs on studs and tables in our basement every chance i got, because i felt like i deserved it,it was my way of punishing myself for being such a 'bad person'everyone always asked where i got the bruises from and i would always say i don't know.
i would literally chant to myself for hours things like 'i'm not good enough' . ever since i was about 7 i would have nightmares every night, of people chasing me down in alleys and taking my clothes off, they would almost all was end up with me being stabbed or torn into pieces while still alive, i had alot of trouble getting to sleep at night because i was scared someone would come in and do something,
if i didn't sleep then it would be impossible for it to happen again, i was always moody in the day. i would also get really creeped out if i looked at my own hands,i always slept facing the door right in the middle of the bed so in case someone was under the bed they couldn't reach me.
around 10 i started feeling detached from myself, for some time everything felt unreal and i didn't feeling like i was controlling my body. feeling really numb sometimes i feel like im totally out of my body
by the time i was 11 i remember feeling like something was missing inside,all my grandparents had died in the few years and i felt the lowest i had ever been in my life, i still consider it my least favourite year i have lived, definitely not the worst but no doubt i hated almost every minute of it, everyone was always yelling and i felt so helpless,my dad was giving death threats and i thought he was going to kill us some day, he started acting weird, leaving porn open on the family laptop, treating me like a little kid, he started to touch me and hit me more, little did he know, this time it didn't hurt, i conditioned myself to handle it.shortly after my parents split up and got
divorced, my world got flipped upside down, but it didn't bother me, it was way better then ever before, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, i haven't spoken with my dad since.
by the time i was 13 i blocked out most of my childhood, if someone asked i couldn't tell them why my parents got divorced let alone what my father looked like, i always felt on guard, i went to a therapist and broke down crying the first session, i was so scared i would need to tell her why i was the way i was, i never told her anything about myself because i thought she might put the pieces together, she never did .i felt like i was being watched and would panic when people looked at me, i would get mild panic attacks and the thoughts of earlier in my life are taking over inside my head, as i got older it bothered me more and more but i still kept the secret i promised 10 years before,life went on and everything looked good from the outside, but my mind was killing me, i didn't enjoy doing anything, i felt empty inside, worthless, guilty and a shame to my family and everyone around me. i couldn't handle it an more, and became really suicidal, it was all i ever thought about, that i deserved to die, no one wants someone like me in society. i just turned 14, it was October 23 when i attempted suicide, not to go into details but i tried to drown myself in the lake behind our house using a rope and a large brick, i failed, thankfully no one ever found out.
that whole year was pretty much a blur,i know i have been suicidal 4 other times since then, but didn't attempt anything.by the time i am 15 and 16 i was having some pretty severe panic attacks, and getting flashbacks of the assault when i was 3, reliving it, everyday, its all i can think about. i feel detached from myself and lesser then average to other people,like i don't deserve a good life and that i don't have a future,i don't expect to live long but i am no longer considering taking my own life
my mind attacks me and my heart starts racing and it feels like i am being choked i can see half real life half reliving what happened to me when i was 3, its like a fight for my life but its all on the inside, i feel full of rage when its happening but always stay as far away from everyone as i can, locking myself in a public washroom or in my room,unless i get distracted it lasts for a long time, the only way i can make it stop seems to make more physical pain then mental pain, bruising myself turns into hair pulling, which lead to cutting my leg with a knife,which i stopped after it got so bad it was hard to walk properly without having a limp.

today looking back on everything i really messed my life up,if i where to have said something the day it happened would i have led a happy life?, its a question i ask myself alot, too a point i am glad i did what i did, its any parents nightmare for something to happen to they're kid,but i don't think i could get any more alone in this then i already am.
the flashbacks have never been worse, i can't concentrate most of the time because i am literally haunted by my past, i have absolutely no sell esteem or confidence, i just act like i do so i don't look like an idiot,my hands shake half the time when i am talking with people. my instincts feel broken, someone looks at me for two seconds and i immediately feel like i am about to be attacked, i have a really hard time trusting anyone.some days i still feel detached from myself. i can't focus everything reminds me of what happens, kids with bruises and cuts,anyone arguing or fighting,anything in a sexual manner,people lacking clothing, anyone who touches my throat, anyone who looks me right in the eyes,being around people who are mentally unstable, certain movies, certain songs
getting through a day without any of those seems to be non-existent theses days, getting older everyone expects you to be mature enough to hear about all that stuff, they have no idea the pain it causes inside me.no matter how hard i try i can't live in the present, i sometimes find myself staring at a blank wall for hours, i feel like theres a glass wall between me and the world.
is there a diagnosis for this? what can i do to improve myself so i can be more normal?