On the "compare yourself to the most extreme abusers," what I'm remembering is how my first husband and I watched The Burning Bed when it aired on TV. Every time Mickey abused Francine, my ex would say, "Wow! See, I'm not as bad as that, am I?" I know now that a normal, healthy, non-abusing husband wouldn't have even put himself in the picture. The man I'm married to now and forever would have just shaken his head and talked about how awful it is to treat somebody that way, without making a comparison to himself. If it's obvious you're not in the same category, it shouldn't be necessary to point out degree.