((((deepbluelosthope))),

Oh hun, I am so sorry you have gone through all of that. Yes, it sounds like your mother was disordered and had distorted thinking and coping skills. Yes, having a child, finding out it has issues and losing it, as well as your brother also was not quite right, probably traumatized your mother and she took that out on you, didn't want to "love" you, not because you were not worthy, but because she could not bear to love. It is not unusual for a parent who struggles like that to turn all their anger at a child either. That is very confusing to a child, a child, no matter how nice, just can't fix that either.

The way you describe being close to your father, him loving you, most likely enraged her, because of how much "she" needed that herself. You need to remember, her thinking was distorted, and she should have been helped with that. It isn't unusual for a person to get like that, not get help and only get worse too. It isn't that they mean to be that way either, that is part of the way their coping skills become skewed and damaging to not only them but others around them.

I hope you are seeing a good therapist, you will need to grieve all of this and you will also need to learn how to walk away from your brother, how he treats you, that he is incapable of interacting with you in a healthy way "for you" too. A good therapist will help you grieve all this, and slowly learn to move on with your life in spite of it. This is going to take time on your part and lots of self TLC and patience.

You are always welcome to come here and share and get support. Do you have anyone that is supporting you, a T? It sounds like you take after your father, you are caring, empathetic and want to be around others who can respond to that. You can do it, but you need to grieve and clear your mind and work on moving forward.

OE