Thank you people for talking to me. I like what was said about the ex, it makes sense. He doesn't want to give up control over my self esteem. That is true. He is hateful and hurtful, and now if he's happy it doesn't matter, he still wants me to feel like crap.
I know I won't make any sense, I'm just so lonely tonight. I've felt horrible today. This noise in my head, this tinnitus, is terrible for some reason. I've done a good job for many years ignoring it. I don't think I get a good sleep any more for a long time.
I know there are others suffering here too, but right now I feel like if anyone could jump inside me, know my life and feelings, they would wonder how I'm still here. I'm not exaggerating. I'm sick of things. It's not that I don't appreciate all the encouragement, all these great people here. I just can't take the pain. But I know there is nothing to do but keep being here. My head is screaming. Who can live with this? I wish my family (what little I have left) could really know what it's like to have lived my life. I don't think they could understand. I can't take much more.
I'm a terrible mother anyways. I really am. I love my kids very much, but the way I feel I a m no good to them. I don't see myself helping them anymore. I'm just in a hopeless state and this is useless even saying anything. I can't live without some kind of relief right now, and there's nothing going to make me feel better. Nothing. If you could hear what I hear, feel what I feel, live what I lived, you'd be going batty too. sorry for this vent