Quote:
Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans
I agree that this has red flags all over it and that you'd do well to proceed with caution. Lying is definitely a problem but so is expecting the whole truth all the time. I'm not saying you are, just bringing it up to think about.
People have a right to some degree of emotional privacy and don't have disclose everything all the time. Sometimes people feel cornered by excessive questioning. (And granted if you're having affairs, emotional or otherwise it's not a great way to win trust.) Sometimes people lie because the consequences of truth-telling are too painful.
I raise this because he told you only two months in that he was in therapy and instead of thanking him for his trust and honesty in choosing to tell you, you got all upset that he lied. But if I understand correctly, this was just a temporary omission not a lie. You're angry that he told you the truth on his timeline instead of yours. If he had told you from the start that he was in therapy, would you have let him share it with you--or not--at his own pace or would you have expected a weekly report?
Not to get all Col. Jessup on you but: if you want to be told the truth, you have to show that you can handle the truth--even when it's uncomfortable, unpleasant, or overdue. If you punish the truth-teller for their disclosure, you're effectively telling them that they're better off lying. You have to make sure you're a tellable person.
|
You're right, actually, I do expect the truth all the time and I do not always respond well to it. Still I feel like he should tell me as I always tell him the truth - even when I know he will be upset by it. That said, your point about him telling me about the therapy on his timeline really resonated with me. I hadn't thought about this until now but this is actually one of only two times that he admitted something without me questioning out of suspicion. His behavior seems to have changed though so, in retrospect, I guess I noticed the effects of therapy before he told me. I digress.
Yesterday after our argument, he asked me how I could turn him telling me about therapy into something bad and then said that most of our problems stem from me not seeing him as a good person. He went on to say that he is a great person and I told him that I don't think that is true because he has lied too many times for it to be. He seemed hurt by that and said he also didn't tell me that he did seek help regarding his infidelity from friends and that they told him he was wrong to hurt me. I had long accused him of hiding his mistakes from his friends so that he looks good at all times.
What I don't get is what he admitted those things so late. Maybe it is as you've said and he doesn't feel like I can handle truth. He has said as much and mentioned that I thanked him for telling me about therapy only after I voiced displeasure with him for not telling me sooner.
I would have given him the opportunity to tell me but he says I don't reward him for truth and that he figures since I won't he has no incentive to keep giving it to me. So then he is naturally a liar and I am ask him to go against his nature? You shouldn't need incentive to be honest.
Sent using Tapatalk