yeah, i hear you mouse. this is something that i've come to over the past couple of weeks as well.

schore calls it 'attunement' which are moments when the (m)other and infant are emotionally in synch (both having a positive emotion) or when the (m)other is acting as an external regulator of the infants emotion (soothing the infant from a negative emotion into a positive one).

lack of those sorts of experiences... are thought to be damaging. because the infant is left in a negative emotion without the capacity to regulate that themselves. so it tends to last a while (and it is the limbic system going nuts, basically). and since the (m)other isn't performing the external regulatory function the infant never gets to internalise that (it never gets to be mirrored in the neurology) so that they can serve that function for themself in later years.

(therapy is meant to help by providing those experiences so that they can be mirrored in the neurology so you can learn to regulate your emotions better)

sometimes it hurts when my therapist is attuned to me. that is strange, huh. sometimes when i feel happy in therapy my therapist is going 'whats wrong?' because i guess i look a bit disorganised. not sure what that is about.

shame... there is quite a lot of stuff on how we learn to be moral. people think that morality is highly dependent on ones ability to experience 'the moral emotions' (shame and guilt and the like). schore talks about how shame is used to regulate unrestrained narcissism. so sometimes infants get carried away with the positive effect. it escalates and escalates into something of an unbridled manic / narcissistic state. one way a (m)other can regulate that unrestrained narcissism is through use of shame. a look of disapproval on a (m)others face induces shame in an infant. shame results in the infant stopping doing what they were doing (it inhibits action). hanging the head and the like (submission). it is important to make some use of shame (that is how we learn to be moral and to follow social norms and conventions and the like and also to inhibit our own unrestrained mania / narcissism) but shame is probably something that tends to be overused.

(my mother used to induce shame and then leave me so i'd be in a dysregulated state of shame. i think the idea is to have a look of disapproval - to induce shame - then to soothe the shame so the infant is happier again but not in such a manic variety of happiness)

for me... i think what happens is that happiness, especially the happiness that comes from attunement (when therapist seems happy with me) are almost immediately followed by shame. probably because my mother overused shame when i was an infant. i guess she didn't know how else to externally regulate my escalating into mania anymore than she kneew how to externally regulate my distress into something more positive.

so... happy -> shame. happy -> shame. repeat a couple times and now i don't need her external (dys)regulation i'm more than capable of doing that myself.

sigh.

(sorry to ramble. hope it makes some semblance of sense)