I was having one of my imaginary therapy sessions at home and finally realized that yes I do hate myself and also realized why.

I was failed by everyone throughout my life. Teachers pulled my hair, pinched me, and called me stupid. Kids picked on me, threw balls against me, one tried to drown me. I got pulled out of therapy at six years of age after one session because they weren't going to pay for someone to play games with me all hour.

Well, I let myself down too. I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't stand up to the teachers, the bullies, etc. And so I projected all the anger I have against everyone who ever failed me towards myself because I failed myself too, and I'm the easy target to hate. All the hate I didn't realize is now projected onto me. I'm the easy one to hate, the one without backbone, so I'm doing the same the other people did. I'm picking on myself because I'm the easy target.

So, I hate myself because I didn't do anything. I should have stood up for my six year old self. I should have stood up for my 14 year old self. And I didn't. I hate myself because I didn't do anything.