OE, thank you for writing and explaining.
Yes, Iīve noticed how you are very supportive and helpful to many people here, but, as far as Iīve noticed, seldomly write about yourself.
But I also think itīs very important and good and Iīm glad that you did.
I know how writing about it really helps and continues to help me.
It doesnīt need to be read by anyone necessarily to help, but in my opinion sometimes it helps even more.
I feel, like I understand your situation now better.
It truly sounds horrible. But whatīs really bad is that it looks like itīs not "over" you cannot really start to move past it and look at it from a better new standpoint because youīre still dealing with it.
How can you heal from trauma that is still partly going on?
What I really do not understand is the craziness and unfairness, that really you didnīt do anything wrong, your neighbours did, and yet here you are the one with the damage and in this bad situation.
The law should take care of it in the right and fair way.
The one who does the damage, should pay for it. I donīt understand how that didnīt happen. How your neighbours werenīt MADE to pay for the damage that the dog caused and MADE to move away or at least get rid of the dog sooner.
It doesnīt make sense, that this kind of wrongness and unfairness is possible in the USA, where, as far as I have understood, itīs so easy to sue and get money out of people for anything.
But I donīt know much about law things.
I just mean... itīs so not right. How can this be legal?
The other thing that I noticed strongly is how very very alone you were or are with all those troubles and there was nobody to support and help you.
Youīre all on your own and I think that really makes a traumatic event a lot worse.
If your family and you could have drawn together and work as a union and you could have felt like you werenīt alone, but that everyone cared the same and wanted to make things better the same, it wouldnīt have been as damaging to you, Iīm sure. I think it makes a person feel stronger and less afraid with people around you supporting you.
Does/did your husband work also on the farm?
Why did he refuse to get out of bed? Was he too upset? You mentioned that he was an alcoholic. Does that have to do with it?
Also what you said about sister must have been damaging... I donīt understand this at all. Itīs what I mean with family staying together and supporting one another. It can make such a difference. If family turns on one another it can make such a difference in a negative way.
My first impulse when reading all of this is the thought: Get away from all of this, make it finally stop.
Get away from those horrible neighbours, get away from the triggering situations with the animals.
Get away from the sister that makes you in your fragile condition feel WORSE
(Iīm not in any way saying: do that, itīs just the thoughts Iīm having)
If it werenīt for you saying that you love the horses like your children, Iīd ask if there wasnīt any way that you could sell what you have left and start over in a completely different place and maybe with something different.
Especially with what you say here:
"It is hard because being around them triggers me. I have not been able to go into the ring, I avoid it because too much sad happened in it. When I go out and take care of them, especially at night, by the time I finish I am in a lot of physical pain because my body pumps up with cortisol and adrenaline even though I don't want it to, I don't know how to fix that either, it just comes over me. "
It must be so difficult for a person to really heal while still being in the traumatic situation or still being directly triggered by it.
Iīm just thinking if you could leave this triggering place and things, itīd give you a chance to calm down.
However, I understand how that may not be possible with the financial trouble youīre left with.
Here in Germany insurance pays for health cures you can do.
You can go away to a sort of resort/hospital for 4-8 weeks, often by the sea or forest and itīs mainly just to calm down and get some distance.
I feel that that might be very good for you to get away from the triggering surrounding and get some "rest" like you wanted to get in the psych ward (which by the way sounds like a nightmarish experience!!)
In the therapy Iīm doing, the last phase will be to write a letter to someone and put the traumatic experience to the past.
I feel like, you wouldnīt be able to do that, because the traumatic situation isnīt in the past (not just in the mind, but in reality at least to some extent)
itīs still going on. So how can you heal from the PTSD?
In a way, itīs like having PTSD from being abused, but the abuser is still living next door. Or from being exposed to suffering injured soldiers but youīre still around them.
Best scenario would be if the neighbours were made to pay what they owe you to pay, to get you out of debt and help you start over at a different place that isnīt triggering.
Is that still a possibility of happening?
If you cannot get away from the place and the people, have you tried EMDR?
Maybe it could make the triggers youīr suffering with lessen, you feel less emotional about them and more calm in the situation you are now in.
I donīt know.. just an idea...
The main feeling I get when reading it, is "get away" so you can finally calm down.
However, please donīt feel like Iīm telling you what to do or something.
I know how that can be very annoying from people, I donīt want to do that.
I just want to express my thoughts on it.
I donīt know anything about the situation to tell if thatīs even possible.
Maybe itīs not possible at all in that case Iīm sorry for talking about it.
i really hope youīll be helped and treated better in the future and you can find a way to move past it all
