Quote:
Originally Posted by Ladyofshallot
I cannot get over the dump from my affair partner. Can you help without judging?I am not proud of this..intact so ashamed not shared with another soul...five years ago I started an affair with a co-worker, a divorcee, confessed his feelings he had for me...a married woman of ten years...to be fair to him he never expected reciprocity. We worked closely and had lot of regard and respect for each other humanly and professionally.we were drawn closely and I feel more deeply in love. My marriage had been dead pretty much before I'd even met him but being with him made me realize what companionship and the real thing meant. He too claimed he loved me and it was understood that we'd be together when the right moment came, causing as little lateral damage as possible. My husband lived in his own world, communication between us was almost nil and living in separate cities we met rarely. We'd stopped having sex too. I never had sex with my partner, went on dates or did anything lover-like. There was a lot of chatting, sharing through conversations at work and texts. The physical thing was not important and we thought it would happen when it did. I must also say that he brought out a lot of work pressure on me, sometimes causing me great grief and misusing his superior position. Six months ago he relocated and I was supposed to join him in his new work place. I too gave up my current post and was to join him there. I was to get a divorce which would not come as any surprise to my husband. We kept in touch by phone, I visited his new workplace and my job was almost fixed. My husband was quite keen that I should go as I was getting a better deal. Then one day out of the blue my affair partner broke all contact. No calls, texts mails and no response to those sent by me. That was four months ago. Now I know his game. Had no intention of realizing the future he claimed he wanted but I am humiliated, angry, jobless, living in limbo in a dead marriage. Don't tell me what I did was wrong. I know that... Not an hour passes without remorse and guilt. Going crazy with regret, he's moved on and flaunting his new connections...while I'm filled with self loathing and bitterness. Just sharing...can't do it with anyone in person. I am trying to move on...rework a really dead marriage with no success...after all been dead for almost 10 years but i am seized with panic attacks and have more than once thought of suicide
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I followed your post regarding this in "New Member" Intros - I do not remember reading that this came down 4 months ago... I'm guessing you do not have a professional to talk to. Has any of your thinking changed in 4 months? Have you been able to do anything for yourself to start to heal? If you do not have a professional to talk to...you really need one.
If you do not have access to one...maybe someone here can suggest if there is a forum that can help - W/the Doc of this site? Do not get me wrong, I have seen some great suggestions posted here and from your post in the new member intro forum. This is a great place to get it out, get support and have others to empathize with you...but you have to start helping yourself.. a little piece at a time. If you are thinking of suicide still -you have to have a professional help you through this.
Not long ago suicide was in my thoughts. I do have a psychiatrist...he did have to change my medication a little, I had to restart therapy and I joined this site. I do not have health insurance - I go to a place that has a sliding scale for income because I could not afford to go the regular route. The medication blocked those chemicals in my brain that were putting me over the edge. My problems are still here...but I am able to function and work on solutions. I feel totally different than I did 2 months ago. You still have to go through the stages of losing some one you loved..it is like a death. Let us know how you are doing.