I have been SI'ing quite a bit lately --- I hate that it works. I hate even more that it feels good. I beat myself up for being that twisted, that causing my own body pain can make me feel good -- that's about as disordered as it gets. But when I physically hurt myself, I can feel the emotional hurt washing away. It's such a relief that the more I cause the physical pain, the better I feel emotionally.

Have you ever tried describing this to someone who doesn't do it? I've been trying today and I feel like the world's biggest psycho. Hope the med change I started today works. Wish someone could straighten out my messed-up brain so that I could be just a normal, non-incredibly-sick-and-psycho person.