nMy divorce nearly destroyed me. I was married for 6 years, in the relationship for 14 years. We started dating when I was 19. Anyways, about 3 years before the divorce I had a severe hypomanic episode, and I ended up cheating on my ex with a guy from work. When my ex found out he lost his **** and became psychotic, thinking I was poisoning his food. He settled down and begged me to stay, and I was so unstable that it took all I could handle to stop the cheating. We went to the Dominican Republic for a week, and spent some time together, and things seemed a lot better. My mood stabilized, and we carried on. But he never really forgave me, and every time we would argue he would bring up the affair and act like everything was my fault, even though over the years he had done plenty of hurtful things too.

Anyways, a few years later I was in grad school, and half way through a very intense and stressful program. He was a youth worker, and 11 of his youth committed suicide in one month. He became severely depressed, but he wouldn't admit it and he wouldn't seek help. He wouldn't talk to me, other than to argue, and he started doing drugs. Finally it turned out that he was cheating on me with a woman from work. I was so stressed out with school and watching him self destruct, that I really couldn't handle finding out he was cheating. I told him to leave, and he did. I immediately sunk into severe depression, it was like being hit by a truck. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and I just cried all the time. I somehow managed to continue in school, even though my advisor told me to take some time off. He begged me to let him come back, but I was too hurt, and I wouldn't let him. Then I found out he had $30,000 in secret credit card debt, which I still don't know what he spent the money on. We had to sell our condo, and I had to move into a small, rental apartment. He stayed with the other woman, and eventually they moved in together and had a kid. We were planning a kid for when I finished grad school, and she got pregnant right at the time we would have tried. 6 weeks after the relationship split up I met a guy at a punk rock show, and we dated for 8 months. I was very unstable, and the relationship was a disaster. We were pretty much drunk all the time, and he would get mad at me when I would cry and say self destructive things. I started abusing my benzos, and fell into a mixed state. I somehow managed to finish school and I broke up with the guy, but I still hadn't recovered from the break up of my marriage. On the one year anniversary of him leaving the apartment he posted a facebook status wishing him and the new woman a happy one year anniversary. I lost it, and became suicidal. I went on a 3 day drug binge, which ended in me taking a bunch of drugs with a bottle of wine, and ending up hospitalized for 3 weeks. I was off work for next 6 months, and this whole thing started me on a cycle of trying every med out there to try to get stable. That was 3 years ago, I've been OK for awhile now, but I'm still not totally over the break up. I miss him, and part of me regrets kicking him out and not trying to work through it, even though we had serious problems.

So the break up had a lot to do with both of us having unstable mental health, plus a lot of situational factors. I've dated a little since then, but I haven't been in any real relationships, and I wonder if I will always be alone. I'd like to be with someone, but I don't know if I'm too damaged and shy to ever find love.

I'm interested in hearing other people's stories.