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<font color="green">I am not really sure how to begin this but here goes. I think my therapist may be trying to get me angry with her. I have problems being angry – I turn it on myself or I become frightened by the feeling. I have recently begun to feel anger at the right persons for the right reasons, but I have never been angry with my therapist. Sometimes when she is pushing hard she will say, “It is ok to be angry with your therapist or does that make you angry? Lots of people have been angry with me and I can handle it.” My reaction was to get upset with ‘those people’ who had been angry with her. I wanted to protect her.
I have felt Scared to death of her or terrified that she is going to abandon me once she really gets to know me, but not mad at her or her words. Even when I have felt misunderstood or pressured there has been no anger. I see her in 5 days and I have not really been able to work much on the ‘homework’ she gave last time. I am so afraid she is going to get tired of my inability to live what I have learned and internalized. I am tired of my body and brain digging up the past – we have worked on it and worked on it. I feel like she is trying to push me out the door and I just keep scrabbling backwards away from it.
Sometimes I wonder if there is something that I haven’t found that needs to be pulled out and worked on, or why would I cling so tightly to her? Why else would the ideal of being angry with her make me feel sick and scared? Do I need to get angry at my therapist to heal? Is it part of the healing process?
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dalila
Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
-Erma Bombeck
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