Not stable. Need to get back to mood charting. Need to do many very important things, but immobilized by overwhelm and fear. By even the least of them. Disproportionate irritable outbursts. Agitation, sometimes to the point of desperately wanting to crawl out of my skin, and writhe on the ground unto expiration. One night, coinciding with so wanting to be glad, because BF was talking on interesting things. The kind of conversations I enjoy, but I couldn't keep track. Mind was in total scattered overdrive and body was in squirm. Feeling like a POS in nearly every way. Almost walked out of work the other day. 40 minutes late another day. The list goes on...

I'm tempted to say mixed. But also hesitant to, because the one of 1 1/2 years ago was of such massive proportions, that to use the same word seems wrong.So let's go with agitated depression.

Surely stress-triggered. Each facet a novel. Big decisions. Paradigm shifts. Provider dilemmas. Physical appts (after years of inaccessibility while falling apart). Mental appt. with a lot of big topics. Son (21) having mental symptoms scaring him enough to summon up the courage to call (the mother who knows "crazy" first hand after all) to talk about them. A week ago, I signed papers beginning the disability process. Of course involving admitting -- to strangers-- the extent of my problems. But I finally have to acknowledge it. I can't do it, and trying to is destroying me. It's time. I have nothing to lose anymore.