My leg was literally killing me so it was amputated two years ago. For the last six months or so, I've been feeling guilty about it. Both guilty regarding my leg that I had it removed, but also as though I could have done things to prevent it.

When I was little my dad and I had a joke. We could sometimes ride on his back when he was bringing us to bed, so we wouldn't have to walk the stairs. My dad would ask me "Don't you have legs?" and I would answer "No, I have wheels". And thus he would carry me up the stairs.

Some days more than other days I believe that it's that joke that's the reason behind me landing in a wheelchair and later on, losing my leg. That I'm being punished for making those jokes.

Or that because I always coped too well I went through several trauma's which all compilated into PTSD.

Or because I once fought back when people were beating me up at school I was bullied for several more years to come.

That I'm failing at school now because I always was a know-it-all.

And the more I think about it the more I believe them. I know it's not rational but it really seems logical. I know excessive feelings of guilt are a part of depression but I really don't know what to do about this. And I feel so damn guilty about having my leg amputated. Even though I would be dead now if I hadn't. (Well, it wasn't even my choice - the doctors threatened with court orders if I didn't agree to the amputation. But I should've sticked up for my leg.)

Sometimes I think because I had a birth mark (the doctors were almost sure it was malignant tumor) removed, and it eventually turned out to be alright (well, not-yet-malignant, they said it would've turned malignant eventually) and I had it removed anyway I later lost that leg.'

I became a victim of medical torture because I visited the doctor's too much.