Hello to anyone who happens to be reading this. I don't really know how to begin this post or go through it without rambling, so I hope that it is somewhat coherent.

Let me begin by saying that I take relationships very seriously. I've been in my current relationship for a little over 8 months now. In the beginning, as with most everyone's relationships, it was sweet, exciting, and I believed that this relationship would be different from the others. I felt that he was an understanding individual and willing to work through problems, no matter how difficult it may be.

It was barely two months into our relationship until we began to argue; but I figured that happens to most, if not all, relationships and didn't find it unusual. At times we would argue at least a couple of times a week. It would occur less frequently and I thought that it was because our communication was improving. After that period it started to become commonplace again, and back-and-forth it would go. Right now we're in one of those ruts where we've been arguing more than we ought, I think.

Although I have said and done things I shouldn't, I've noticed several things that he does or says that hurts me. I admit that I have a tendency to drag out arguments and feel the need to have "the last say" - as he has pointed out many times. This tendency is usually met with hostility and impatience; and I can understand. It hurts, however, because he never wants to "talk about it" and just wants to "drop it," so whenever I try and fix what makes us angry (so it doesn't happen over and over) he has no interest engaging in discussion.

I'm not going to go into detail about what past arguments have been about, but it's important for me to note that at least half of them have been because I'm overly sensitive. Whenever he says something hurtful, though he may be unaware that it is, I try and tell myself that it's an irrational thought. I do my best to not bring it up and tell him how much it hurts though, because I'm afraid it will only make him angry and give him a chance to reinforce how stupid of a thought it is.

I feel that our relationship has reached a breaking point. I'm afraid that it's beyond fixing. I'm afraid of feeling like all of my relationships are failures, again. I'm afraid that another failed relationship will take a toll on future relationships.

Almost every day I battle with depression. I was diagnosed with depression at 18, but I know that I've been struggling with it for much longer. Just recently I was diagnosed even further with Major Depressive Disorder. I've been to three different therapists, each at different points of time, and have been prescribed two different anti-depressants as well as Ambien (zolpidem tartrate). My struggles include feelings of diminished self-worth, loss of interest in life, low energy, fatigue (needing 12+ hours of sleep day), sleep disturbances throughout the night (which is why I was prescribed a sleep aid), suicidal thoughts and past attempts, extreme difficulty concentrating and making decisions, feeling hopeless and empty. Sometimes I feel so depressed that I lay awake in bed but have no motivation to get up, bathe, eat, or even interact with others. I wrestle with this disease every hour of every day.

Even though I may not feel like smiling or joking, I do it any way for the sake of those I love. Others struggling with depression understand, right? Some days are harder than others though, which is true for everyone, I think. These past few weeks have proven especially true to this point. Obviously things haven't been so smooth with my boyfriend, but the stress of graduating from college soon and other factors have been weighing on me.

Anyway, I had to seriously question the relationship between my boyfriend and me today after an argument. I don't know why, but today made me realize how hurtful he can be. Again, I admit that I don't know when to just stop talking or how to drop an argument gracefully sometimes. He doesn't know how to get me to stop either and he claimed that his "last resort" was to say something hurtful. Today it was "Shut the f*** up" and other times have been just as harsh. Even though he disagrees, he also threatens to break up with me almost every other argument. I can't say I blame him, but it hurts that he says it just to, well, hurt me. He's also said things like, "You don't know what it's like because you've been a spoiled brat your whole life" and "Sometimes the only reason why I don't break up with you is because I'm afraid you're going to ruin my life."

The most hurtful things that he aims at me involves my depression. He has known since the first month (at least) of our relationship that I have battled depression. He tells me that I'm too sensitive, too emotional, too irrational, lazy, almost always in a bad mood, and that I can control my depression because I'm "aware that I'm depressed." I always try and explain to him that depression is a disease and not a choice. It doesn't have an "on and off switch." A few times I had gotten so frustrated that I told him he can't fully comprehend depression because he has never had depression (in a clinical sense.) His argument is that if he were to talk to a doctor that he would probably be diagnosed with at least mild depression. Although I want to be sympathetic and say that he would, deep down I honestly don't think he would. I strongly feel that depression is a disease that can only be understood by those who are afflicted by it. Others may be able to empathize, but they will never understand. It felt horrible the other day too when he told me "I'll talk to you later after you've taken your medicine." I wasn't in a talkative mood, as I told him outright, and he got upset because I wasn't engaging in lengthy conversation. I was really trying to get over the hump of depression and making my best attempt at talking, but it just wasn't working and didn't feel genuine.

I don't have a clear-cut question to ask, but I suppose I want to know if anyone has a suggestion about what I should do. I love him but sometimes he can say and do things that really hurt me - my shadow of depression hasn't helped much either. In no way am I blaming this failing relationship solely on him either. Right now I feel very alone, afraid, hurt, and misunderstood.

If you have any questions, which I hope you do, please feel free to ask. I'm receptive to any encouragement, support, or help that may be given. Please, though, and I ask this respectfully, don't suggest anything as basic as "write in a diary." Remember, I've been struggling with this for several years of my life and have gone to at least three different therapists. Trust me, I've tried everything from exercising, eating right, hang out with friends to keeping track of my negative thoughts and restructuring them to something more positive and constructive.