sorry I have not been around or supportive. I feel like I only come here when I need something of late. I'm sorry. I know it's not fair...

I've really been struggling lately. I have tried to let my T in on this stuff, but it feels like she's not getting how fast I'm crumbling (it always happens suddenly and progresses really quickly). I have been holding it together, but it's getting really difficult to do. All she wants me to do is work on my coping skills. I tried to tell her that the alternatives are no longer doing it for me, but she insists I keep trying different ones at different times. I feel like it's a losing battle. I'm not sure how to up the intensity of my other coping skills to make then useful once again. At the same time, I'm starting to shut everyone else out.

The self-harm thoughts are progressing to urges, and they are becoming much stronger. I'm not quite sure how to keep them in check. Big changes are coming up in a few short weeks, and I'm realizing how close it's getting (and how fast I'm imploding). I've started doing other little things that are back-door self-harm. It doesn't look like it, nor is it necessarily done as self-harm initially, but if it meets the need, I keep doing it deliberately this time. I was melting crayons for an art project and the melted wax started to splatter on my arm. I could have moved to make it stop getting on me, but it felt good. It brought some measure of relief, so I angled my arm and the wax in a way that it would get on me more. I want to do something else like that, but I am out of excuses. It would be deliberate and obvious if I did it again. I really need some release though. The art, music, eating, and exercise are not helping as well as they had. I'm running out of ideas.

I admitted to T via journal entry that I am so close to giving in... She won't see it till next session though (Friday). I don;t know if I can really hold out till then.