I think anger is the "action" behind the hurt or fear. If you just dissolve in a puddle when you're hurt, you can't recover? Same thing if you are chased by a bully. Turning around in your dreams and "confronting" the monster is an act of anger. You are in effect saying, "Hey, you should not be chasing me and I'm not going to put up with it anymore. Stop it!"

A therapist that often falls asleep or is late needs confronting in the same way. One isn't paying for them to not have their own act together :-) I saw my T a total of 18 years and in year 17-18 she lost my check (I paid out-of-pocket) not once, not twice, but 4-5 times in about a six month period. It got very complicated because I didn't "want" to be angry either but. . .

Anger just "is." It's not something some people have and some do not, it's an emotion and the secondaryness just helps explain it a bit, doesn't make it somehow less important. Dalila, I would say that "Yes," your therapist would like you to experience your anger. There is no "at" it's a self-respecting sort of action that protects you from being either a puddle or a doormat; your therapist doesn't get anything out of it one way or the other (other than knowing you can "take care" of yourself). Anger is a tool. Whether someone hits you or crosses your boundary; you have to let them know that is not acceptable. That's anger. How you "express" it is different. When someone hits you you don't have to hit them back but you do have to stop them from hitting you again. People who are mugged or hurt by others often create special programs (MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, for example) and that creation is a creative expression of anger.

I think most people though get the emotion mixed up with its expression. When someone cries it doesn't upset or startle anyone to hear that person is sad. But when somone says they're angry, because they were raised with shouting or violence they might be anxious and worried about violence. It's a Pavlov's connection though and the person feeling the anger doesn't have anything to do with how they "have to" express it. That's training/background/education/personality.

I was/am afraid of anger, especially other people's until my boss was wrong one day and was yelling at me, thinking he was right :-) I stood my ground because a liar I am not and my sense of righteousness :-) was enough greater than my fear so I kept repeating the truth as I knew it and eventually he got it and collapsed in a puddle of abject apologies :-) It was a wonderful feeling. I didn't die and everything turned out well.