Hi pompeii, I'm really sorry for everything that has gone of for you but you have to know that none of it was your fault, none of it says you deserved that in any way, none of it says that you are anything less than special, none of it means that there is anything wrong/bad about you, none of it means that you should have to bear this alone.
And you cannot blame yourself for "messing your life up" by not telling!! There will be so many people who have gone through similar things who weren't able to tell either. It can be so much easier to think that now than to do it at the time/anytime!! Rationality can go completely "out of the window" when you're left with coping with the experience/s of something so wrong/so traumatic.
But I do have to really commend you on speaking out about it now/on here!! Total respect!!
And your life doesn't have to remain "messed up", now you've found a "voice", now you can get understanding/help/support with what has gone on for you, now you can start moving forward a bit more, now you can look towards having a "future".
You're not alone, there will be a lot of people who will really understand how your past has effected you and who can support you with that.
So I'd say that the most important thing is for you to reach out and get that help, whether it's through using a crisis/hotline, through sharing with other people with similar experiences, through your doctor, through another therapist........just keep on talking. You so deserve help with what you've been through/with what you're going through. You really do!!
Alison