I am so sorry sweetheart sometimes I wish I could seriously give you a giant hug and tell you everything is going to be okay.

It is not right that you are having to jump through hoops to get the help you need and I hate how your mom treats you. It's not fair at all. When I was a couple years younger than you and attempted suicide, my mom's initial response was "how could you do this, do you realize how you are making this family look?!" It was somehow still always about her and her reputation and never an ounce of love and concern for how I was feeling (which is the only thing I needed). She also once told me if I decided to kill myself, to not do it in her house because she didn't want blood stains on her carpet. There was a period of time where my door was off the hinges due to bulimia, self-harm, and a couple other things.

I can relate to what you are going through and I know how hard it is. And I feel awful you are having to experience this. As always, I am here if you need to talk and extra support.