I guess I am realizing that emerging from a depression is a process. I have never really thought of it that way. Maybe because in the past they were always of shorter duration. Now they are lasting much longer and take longer to come out of. At first I was very hypo manic and wired. Then that balanced out and I had a lot of calm days. This weekend I went from friday night being all amped up being around my family and feeling really good, to being very calm on saturday and still enjoying my family, to sunday morning being fine and going to church, and then sunday afternoon my mood took a huge nose dive. I don't know why. I know the hypo mania and wired stuff was due to the fetzima and it seemed to be balancing out. Now since yesterday afternoon I am getting depressed. I don't want to go into another depression. I think it has a lot to due with being around my family. They are successful and seem very happy and here I am living with my parents with no income feeling like a burden. The better I feel the more guilty I feel about no working and supporting myself. It's a double edged sword. I was very anxious for them all to leave yesterday. I started feeling very left out for some reason. It was nothing they did. Something triggered this change in mood and I cannot really put my finger on it.

When I am feeling better I also start thinking about wanting to be in a relationship. Why shouldn't I be able to be in one and be happy damn it. I have not been in one for ten years and it ended because she could not handle my depression. Then there are the sexual side effects from the meds. So I think it is never going to happen and that makes me sad.

This business of coming out of a depression and even of not being depressed is a struggle as well. Ain't life a *****.