I do believe a part of you realizes what I am saying, but that part needs to be confirmed for you so you can have the validation and support you need to get to that above it all place. I can see you are a caring and kind person and when someone is like that they tend to try to figure out how they can "fix" things and try to come to an understanding somehow. Unfortunately, when the other person is disordered in some way, with a history like your brother's, all the good intentions in the world can't change it.

I have had things happen to me with my own family and it took me time with a T to slowly look at the different people in my family and at least get to a point where I can see their position, even if it's sad, what it often led to is "that they didn't know". It is sad because of how much we depend on our family, especially our parents to provide us with a safe and loving environment. What often happens is a parent or even both parents can be so wrapped up in themselves and their issues that they honestly do not understand the damage they can do to their children. It is not unusual for a parent to think a child is just born who they are and their job is only to control the child and get the child to respect them. Instead parents need to realize how malleable children are and how they need that parent to show them how to develop self esteem and thrive.

So, you need to grieve whatever was lost to you in your past, realize your goodness and allow yourself to move forward in spite of whatever you did not get that you should have gotten, it was never your fault in any way. And always remember you have the best part of all, your father's caring genetics.

(((Hugs)))
OE