Therapisizing?

What's happening is that I've repressed feelings my whole life. We're talking a whole different level of repression. 4 months ago I couldn't even verbalize "I'm happy." Now I cry myself to sleep every night because of the pain.

Maybe I repressed my feelings because I wasn't strong enough to handle them. I really don't believe there's anything G-d gives us that we can't handle. I'll be crying myself to sleep every night on a regular basis now but one day, days, months, years from now, I'll find one day there's no need to cry. And that will grow into two days a week, five, etc. I'm reliving the pain of all those years. I'm going back, so to speak, and allowing myself to feel the feelings that I didn't feel then.

The anger is different. I don't think I've forgiven myself for throwing myself to the curb. I stopped caring what happened to myself. I mean, I take baths, I went to school, I have always had a job, but other than that I just sit home and play Minesweeper. I stopped caring. Other than the basics to keep myself alive, I really didn't care what else happened. So I guess by allowing myself to go back and revisit all these feelings over and over again, I'm hoping I'll come to understand and accept them and I can move on with my life and improve my "quality" of life. I could go on living like this forever, but I know my quality of life could be better. I could do more with it than simply eat/slee/bathe/keep a job.

I've always been interested in the why's too, though, and I guess this is what it's all about. Feeling the feelings and trying to find out the why's behind them.