I stopped it cold. Just felt like taking it wasn't good for me anymore. I don't like the AP because I feel flattened out and constrained, and I miss having more excitement and emotional range. It makes my affect flat, and people notice and comment on it, which is very embarrassing. I know that I need to have some acceptance around this, but I don't know how to get there. I don't want my life to be responsible all the time.

Plus I do want to be able to do psychadelics, for a bunch of reasons which are complicated, but I feel like I need to do it to prove something to myself because of some past experiences - very vague, I know, but the full explanation is pretty weird so I don't think it would make sense to anyone other than me. I will say that I have a very good reason, and it's more than just wanting to get high.

I am ashamed to write all of this, because I know I should know better, but I just want to find some meaning to make it worth continuing to try.