crap crap crap.

i guess i had gotten psyched up for the tuesday session and the cancellation came as a disappointment. i tried to similarly psych myself up for this one, but it didn't happen. i guess he wasn't really on form. snuffling a bit and stuff. in my awkwardness i avoid. probably made it even more awkward. couldn't really get into anything. rambelled a little. i probably should have expressed some concern that he was okay. didn't though. just avoided the issue.

(confronted with therapists mortality? - don't think so.)

said that i'd been struggling a lot over the past month. some days in bed. maybe depression. he said to phone on tuesday if i'm still feeling depressed and he will try to get back to me that day.

why?

medication doesn't really help.

he said to keep up with the mindfulness. being in the present. yeah. i know he is right. what stops me?

i'm often split between the past and the present. half a mind on now and half a mind on then.

and a lot of time ruminating on the past.

i worry that if i stop ruminating / if i stay in the present then the past will hit me full force with flashbacks and stuff. it might be that my divided attention is what keeps me functioning as well as i do.

or of course it might not be. it might be that my divided attention is what is holding me back from functioning even better.

i guess there is only one way to find out. keep a diary and see.

crappy crap crap i hate diarys.

and i'm in a foul mood methinks.