I was prescribed alprazolam (xanax) by my old psychiatrist for bouts of extreme anxiety/panic attacks at the end of 2012 and in about March of 2013 I started abusing it. I'm prescribed a .5mg dosage but there have been times when I've taken about 12mg for a high. I've also combined it with weed for a more intense (and dangerous) effect. There was a week where I was stressed because my bigoted grandparents who I don't get along with were staying with us (my drug abuse us usually a direct result of stressful situations and/or worsening mental health symptoms) and I would take large doses of xanax every night then roam the streets smoking cigarettes and burning myself and then come home and fall asleep until the next evening and then do it all over again when everyone in the house went to sleep.

Recently, I've also been prescribed small doses of Gabapentin (neurontin) and diazepam (valium) by the nurse practitioner I've been seeing because she thinks I should start to curb my use of alprazolam even though she doesn't know about all the times I've abused it (she wants the valium to be short-term since it is another benzo). But now I'm abusing both of those new meds as well and mixing them with weed and the alprazolam that I have left and I can't imagine telling my NP or my new psychologist about any of this even though recently I've thought about mixing every pill of all of my psychiatric meds, new and old (I've been prescribed 8 of them total), and trying to put myself in the hospital because I've been so depressed.

I really don't know where to go from here. I don't know if this is sufficient to go into inpatient or if I even want to, but something in my life needs to change because right now I feel like I'm drowning and I'm scared that I'll accidentally kill myself one of these days or make my problems with mental illness worse when (most of the time) I so badly want to get better and move on with my life.