Really understand you
How old are you?

I abused many meds, intoxicated many times but I stopped to take very high doses when I almost died from convulsions. I thought it will be over with abusing meds but I was wrong. I started to Xanax and of course sometimes I abused this med but not so high doses.
I'm still addicted to Xanax and sometimes it seems hopeless to ever be free from this. But I believe it's possible. Sometimes i want to go to hospital but I know I'm to weak to say no to my addiction for forever.
I have problems with memory, black holes even from times when I was sober and sometimes I don't even know what was reality and what was a dream, it's a mist.
I hate Xanax but it's sooooo hard to don't take it when I feel so desperate.

First thing to stop abusing meds is to really want to stop doing this. If you really want to say no to this, ask for help to doctor and do anything to be free, hope you will get better soon