A while ago, I told my best friend I'm in love with her. She is everything I've ever wanted and she always manages to make me incredibly happy. We BOTH struggle with BPD and PTSD and she has a pretty damn serious addiction to heroin... so let's just say neither of us is emotionally stable. When I told her, over a text (we both hate talking about emotional stuff in person or on the phone as we either go blank, don't feel anything at all and therefor become awkward or we get emotional outbursts and... yeah lol) she replied saying this was all a bit too good to be true, that she never let herself fall for me as she thought I wouldn't feel the same, that she couldn't believe someone "as perfect as me" would fall for someone "as disgusting as her" and that she wanted to just hold me and allow herself to fall for me. That was about a month ago, and we haven't been treating each other differently, I think. She's been giving me some hints about wanting to give us a chance and I guess I've been a bit more affectionate. But this sunday, I was at her place and we just sat on her bed and talked for hours about litteraly everything. Everything was perfect except for the fact that I was too scared to touch her or get close to her as I'm too ugly and gross for her and I don't want her to notice. Nothing happened between the two of us, but yesterday she texted me saying "Is it bad that I thought about kissing you like half the time yesterday?". My heart first skipped a beat and I became all warm and fuzzy inside... being a borderline can be beautiful those few times you get to experience positive feelings. They're so intense. But then the anxiety kicked in. I'm ****ing SCARED. Cause even though I want to be with her more than anything, I know she'll be forced to see how utterly disgusting I am. I don't want to scare her off. And even though we love and care for each other SO much, we're both unstable and mentally ill. I refuse to lose her. She's all I have... and our friendship is oh so beautiful. She's 18 and I'm 17... relationships don't tend to last at our age anyway, and our illness will make it even harder. Is it worth the risk? And how would you suggest I deal with this?

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