Pompeii, you have been so brave to tell your story here! Thank you so much. Everything that has been said here is true. It is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong.
But I can tell you from my own experience, that just hearing this sometimes doesn't help at all and I understand that. Having experience with Helplines as a caller or a volunteer I myself become frustrated with them really.
Reaching out to someone and hearing the standard: "It's not your fault" "You have don nothing wrong" "I am so sorry that happened to you" "What can you do to make yourself feel better?" can be utterly frustrating! Volunteers are trained to respond like this to make the caller feel safe and heard. But gosh, sometimes it made me want to scream when I was listening to someone pouring her heart out and I knew exactly what would have been good for her to hear and I couldn't say it because I wasn't allowed and instead I said something like: "That must be been scary." And that just wasn't enough. And I knew that because none of these things helped me, when I was finally ready to tell my story.
So I can understand that you didn't find the Helplines very helpful.

I always remember the end of the movie Good Will Hunting, where the therapist hugs the client and keeps him firm in his arms while repeating over and over: It's not your fault. It takes him many times to say it and it takes the client many times to hear it before it sinks in. And I also believe it was that very close connection, the hug, that made these words stronger and more significant.
I learnt to really believe that what happened to me was not my fault and nothing I have to be ashamed of, when someone held my hand firmly and didn't let go until broke down in tears, finally releasing this awful feeling of guilt and shame. It needs compassion, love, encouragement.

My story started at a very young age too (age 5). I was raped almost every night for many years, beaten and starved. And I had all the same feelings that you described, shame, fear, disgust, embarrassment, A LOT of pain. I can feel with you so much because I know exactly how much it must have hurt. And I am so very sorry you had to experience all that.

And I can very much relate that you look back and think what would have happened if you had spoken up.. The truth of this is that you were a small child. You were confused, hurt, violated. There are so many reasons why you couldn't have spoken up.

When I was little my father broke a lot of my bones, cut me, burnt me. Every time he told me what I needed to tell the doctors at the hospital, I swore to myself that this time I will tell them the truth. But I never did. Then I hoped that if I tell the lie my father told me to say with tears in my eyes, maybe they would see themselves. They didn't. There were probably a dozen of times when I could have told someone who might have been able to save me, but I never did. The first time I ever spoke up, I ever told my story was when I was already an adult. And I had to learn that all the "what if's" made my story even harder to bear so I turned them into "What now's"

I think you made an awesome step by sharing your story here, speaking up and making yourself heard. You may be stronger than you think and there is support here and love and care. Your story will not be forgotten!

And I do know that there is hope, dear Pompeii. I know it's hard to believe, but it is there. What helped me was to always reach out for something better, telling myself over and over again that I can do whatever I want and that my past does not get to decide my future.

I hope for you that you will find this for you too some day. Please be gentle with yourself because you are very precious.

With love and care,
Amelia