Dear Open Eyes

This is the best therapy and advice I have received to date. What you are saying makes complete sense to me. Yes I have been seeking confirmation that what I went through was not normal nor healthy. I think that only after such validation I can start to put it all into perspective and start to move forward. Throughout my whole life I seem to have accepted the abnormal as normal in terms of family dynamics, never really addressing it properly. I keep questioning myself why. Why did I not have the strength to really face this all head on when my mother was still alive, when it was clear things were not as they should have been? I tried to make some attempts to sort it out but after dad died it was very much her and my brother against me and that was a tough thing to stand up to. Part of my reaction has been to run away from it to a certain extent keeping a distance from those who sought to blame, accuse and bully me, yet never explain why they were acting this way. I wanted to create a new, happy life and surround myself with wonderful people - people who care about others and have positivity and live their lives! I think by keeping away, I thought my mum and brother would eventually come to their senses and realise how destructive their behaviour was on our small family unit.

My nature is to be hopeful and have faith in people. I always kept that faith beyond when I shouldn't have. I have always seen a bigger picture here though - despite the fact that we clearly didn't have much in common I thought there was still that sense of family values and that mum would, in the end, see that before she died. What is most disturbing is that she always portrayed herself as someone very religious, daughter of a Methodist minister. Why would someone who quite clearly believed in God act in such a destructive manner towards her own children? At the end of her life, a week before she died, I did pluck up some courage to be able to ask her why she was leaving this world with a legacy of bitterness, hatred and unresolved issues. I also asked her what I had done to deserve all this horrendous treatment. She had no answer to give. She simply glared at me with her wild eyes and didn't respond. I honestly believe she was mad then and likely had been this way for many years before. There was something quite evil in her stare. I am having frequent nightmares now remembering this conversation.

I am a logical person by the nature of my work and my scientific university studies. To me, none of her actions make any sense. I constantly try to find answers to somehow get to the truth of it all but I am baffled by so much of it still, not least of which her exit from the world leaving everything in such a mess. This is causing me much pain, frustration and turmoil especially as my brother continues down this seemingly vindictive, hateful path. It's not a path I want to follow him down. I question my mum's religious beliefs and I find her particular twisted brand of religion actually quite evil and destructive. She has used these beliefs to abuse me. What mother who claims to believe in God is cold and abusive and lies on her deathbed causing as much hurt as she can? She demanded that I respect her without question my whole life, yet she never once could show me any love. This seems to me a total perversion of what religion is supposed to be about.

As you say, I am trying to resolve things in my own mind and come to an understanding of it all. I have been trying to fix things also with my brother but there are only so many times you can bang your head against a wall and keep coming back for more. He doesn't want anything to change and he is choosing his path of hatred instead. It is so hurtful and just plain wrong.

I am hanging onto my memories of my dad now. It is all I have.