Quote:
Originally Posted by Mactastic
Last night was tough. My T had just come back from a 2 week break and I was anxiously counting the days until his return. I usually have a bit of dread for sessions because it's difficult for me to open up but this time I was actually looking forward to it 
But once I got there I clammed right up and I can't explain it. He was gentle and reassuring that it was okay (even ideal) that I shut down so tightly because all he ever asks of my is to be present and he wanted me not to judge myself for my silence.
Like a lot of us here, I struggle to make eye contact but I can do it with effort. Last night I couldn't. I stared at the bracelet I was playing with and only mustered the courage to look at him once. He did have reassuring and kind things to say but he didn't fight me to get talking and resulted in loooooong silences. At the end of session I probably looked like I was about to break and he took me 10-15 minutes over, trying to calm me down and turn off the voices in my head that were berating me for being such a failure. I had so much to say and simply couldn't utter a word. Thankfully he reminded me to email him anytime and as often as I need to. As soon as I got home I sent off one to calm myself down and it did help a little....
I don't know how I'll ever face him next week and I'm afraid I'll shut down again. Has anyone ever had a session that was 95% dead silence and managed to "come back" after that? I still don't know what came over me. Long silences are common for me (I'm reflective) but I've never had a session like that. I'm bumming pretty hard this morning. |
I am sorry you weren't able to talk in that session - I know exactly how you feel. When I used to go to counselling, the only time I'd look at my counsellor was when she met me at the bottom of the stairs. And that was it. I couldn't look at her once during any of the sessions. It annoyed me so much, because I didn't want her to feel like I didn't like looking at her, and I started hating myself for it.
I also used to sit in very long silences with her. She'd ask me a question, and I wouldn't be able to answer. It was like there was something physically and emotionally blocking me. The majority of our sessions were spent in silence, and no matter how many times she told me that silences were okay, all I could think was that they weren't and that I was a failure. However, I didn't have the option to email her outside of sessions; I had her email address, but she'd told me not to use it. However, I did go back each week, and each week I said a little bit more. It was progress, even though it was painfully slow.
Try not to think negatively of that session - it's done now, and all you can do is try to help yourself talk in the next session. Before your therapist took his 2 week break, were you able to talk to him before? If so, what do you think is stopping you from talking now?
My advice would be to write some things down that you know you absolutely need to talk about in the next session - you don't have to get through all of them in one session, but it will help if you bring it in and either try to read from it, or give it to him to read, so he can give you a starting point. This is what I used to do a lot.
But don't forget, it is perfectly normal to feel mute in a session, and it is perfectly fine, and can even be good, to have a long silence in a session. It's not a bad thing at all.
Keep your head up high sweetie!
