Hello all - I'm in one of the worst situations of my life.
I have been with my partner for five years. Preceding this relationship, I was in about 7 years of bad relationships. My trust was broken in all of them - all three cheated on me and were generally unkind people to me. I almost immediately went into this relationship after I separated from my ex and have since struggled. The man I am with now is great. He has his hiccups, but nothing compared to what I have done. I have never fully trusted him for -what seems like- no reason other than that I struggle to trust myself. In recent years I have fallen into a pit of self deprecation and insecurity. I realize this isn't the most unique complaint, but I'm lost and I want to find the way. My partner had/has a hard drive with years of documents on it. He used to keep a large amount of pornography on it, until he deleted it (I think). I thought he stopped watching porn, until I found out on our recent vacation that he hadn't. He said he watched it every few months. I felt so upset. Of course, I am not without fault. I too have made mistakes, and have repeated countless arguments and struggled to move on from hurtful words or actions. On this hard drive, he also had years of documents that he had saved, as well as pictures he has kept of him and his ex having sex, and just every picture he has ever taken of her. He had pictures of him kissing other women. He said it was just a junk drawer that needed cleaning. After finding out about the porn, I was so angry. When he left for work yesterday, I took the hard drive and poured water on it. I wasn't thinking (which is the problem), and now I have done something so unforgivable and harmful to our relationship, I fear that it is irreparable. (I'm not sure if the hard drive can be repaired). He found out it was wet and I tried to deny it, but then I just admitted to it and said that I did it on purpose. He was okay at first and then the frustration and disappointment escalated. He said that I am his attacker, and he can not trust me. He said that I have never been worthy of trust but he took a gamble on me. Of course there are a lot of inner workings I can not type on here, but I'm reaching out to see if anyone can offer my advice. I don't want to leave, but right now, it seems like it's the only logical choice after this. Can you come back from that? I think I am a smart, loving person, but when things like this happen, I doubt everything about myself. The regret I feel is immeasurable. I feel like I don't deserve to be with him anymore. Does anyone have any advice? Writing on this forum is a desperate measure, so I'm open to comments, advice, constructive criticism. Thank you all.