Quote:
Originally Posted by Mactastic
Last night was tough. My T had just come back from a 2 week break and I was anxiously counting the days until his return. I usually have a bit of dread for sessions because it's difficult for me to open up but this time I was actually looking forward to it 
But once I got there I clammed right up and I can't explain it. He was gentle and reassuring that it was okay (even ideal) that I shut down so tightly because all he ever asks of my is to be present and he wanted me not to judge myself for my silence.
Like a lot of us here, I struggle to make eye contact but I can do it with effort. Last night I couldn't. I stared at the bracelet I was playing with and only mustered the courage to look at him once. He did have reassuring and kind things to say but he didn't fight me to get talking and resulted in loooooong silences. At the end of session I probably looked like I was about to break and he took me 10-15 minutes over, trying to calm me down and turn off the voices in my head that were berating me for being such a failure. I had so much to say and simply couldn't utter a word. Thankfully he reminded me to email him anytime and as often as I need to. As soon as I got home I sent off one to calm myself down and it did help a little....
I don't know how I'll ever face him next week and I'm afraid I'll shut down again. Has anyone ever had a session that was 95% dead silence and managed to "come back" after that? I still don't know what came over me. Long silences are common for me (I'm reflective) but I've never had a session like that. I'm bumming pretty hard this morning. |
Yes, I have. I felt absolutely horrid after. I berated myself for wasting money. I berated myself for cowardice. I cried with frustration (after the session). I was angry, frustrated, worried, and just upset.
My therapist was also reassuring, she respects the process, and has faith and experience, more than I did, of course. She understood what I understand now, that all sessions are a learning experience, and sharing uncomfortable silence is still shared time. Not a catastrophe, not an ending or a beginning of an ending, just a tough session.
I did come back.
I'm so glad you're able to write emails, that's always helped me too, to get 'unchoked' after those tough sessions.
Hugs to you and comfort: it will really be alright, the relationship is still there and growing, you just had a completely understandable off day. I hate vacations.
