I have been struggling for so so long over how the mother reacted to my report cards and how I did in school. I struggles with the reaction my T had to seeing my report cards last week . I guess I gave them to her to prove how much of a horrible kid I was. she said she didn't see it that way and went on some about how she saw it . I was on my one tangent and panic about her response so was not taking in what she was saying very well. I have spent the week freaked out about how is she going to be able to help me change if she doesn't believe I am and was so horrible .and a bunch of other negative thoughts. I didn't know what I was going to say to her yesterday about the whole thing but I was just completely confused.

I finely said that I have had all week to think about what went on last week in T and to turn it into something horrible. so I was scared to even show up and don't know what to say or thing about any of it . she asked me what went on omg so frustrating. so I kind of brought up my feelings that she doesn't believe me and how she could see things so differently then the mother or myself. she said that she believes that this is how I feel and see things. the fact that she may see it differentially does not mean that she does not believe me. what is more important is why I see it this way and why I am so adamant about holding on to that way of seeing it. (ok what? can you repeat this ) she said she sees what the teachers wrote in my report card as me being an average student and that was a good thing. she wants me to figure out why I want to hold on to the fact that it was not . I told her that it meant that I was lazy. it is hard to change this view when I was told this all my childhood life ( that part I didn't share) what she said in response was so nice but I have a hard time seeing it her way but I know that is my crap and it was nice of her to say what she did. she said that she has known me for quite a while now and that me being lazy is not at all how she sees me. the fact that I come and meet with her every week and am so trying to work hard in therapy is far from lazy that it is hard work. etc.... of course the cynical part of my brain said wow now what a stock therapeutic answer is that . why cant I just allow myself the luxury of believing that this might just be true that she just might mean it.

the fact that she said that she has known me for quite a while was actually reassuring to me for some reason. I think I loose sight of that a lot and don't really think of her as being there with me . sometimes it is out of sight out of mind. I do have to say that I did leave there feeling like I might be able to at least somewhat trust her version of what went on but I don't quite know what to do with it yet if that makes any sense