Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
Can't believe I'm even admitting that. Why can't I be normal and love normal ****ing people who aren't priests/ therapists/ authority figures/ emotionally unavailable manchildren/ insert various inappropriate person here.
I think you're trying to apply the rules of social relationships to a T/client relationship, and it just doesn't work that way. The fact that you feel you have a pattern of falling for unattainable partners shows that this is exactly what you need to work on. And your transference is the medium to do so. Because it's a safe and boundaried relationship, you can use it as a lab to experiment and explore these familiar feelings with/for your T. It will stretch you, mystify you, exhilarate you, and sometimes twist you into knots, for sure. But it could also be the best work you'll ever do that could change your life. 
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Thank you, FKM
I do have form for wanting the unavailable. Not convinced anymore it's this therapist I should be working it out with, though. Despite really valuing her in a tangible results-based way, as well as having fluffy loving thoughts about her.
I have made so much progress with her. My mind doesn't immediately grasp at suicidal thoughts now when I panic and spiral out of control - I think about other stuff, moving back to my home country, moving to a different continent, but not snuffing myself out.
I genuinely want to live now, but I have no idea how I'm going to do it and I want living to stop ****ing hurting and I want to get away from anyone that's threatening to pile on more hurt, because that will pull me back into thinking it's not worth staying alive again.