Hey isntlifewonderful,

It is good to hear about your life and your relationship with your friend, who’s a girl. I am genuinely happy that you have someone else in your life – who understands, who appreciates you on some deeper level - and who is willing to listen to your, ‘stuff,’ without judging you.

Being that you are asking for advice; I will do just that. I can, however, see how some of the advice I give you - may indeed go against what you would like to hear. I apologize in advance if what I say is in anyway offensive to you, and or anyone else in similar situations / circumstances… I only wish to help you – and let’s be honest – sometimes hearing what we don’t want to hear is the best thing to hear in our pursuit of happiness.

In saying this, it is obvious how wonderful life is – when we have someone such as this in our lives… Especially for us borderlines...

“Being borderline is intense as you have already said. It can blind us by emotions and make something that feels good - appear as though it is the only good thing to feel.”

But that is just it - there is not only ONE good thing to feel... There are many things that can bring you the same level of happiness or content. And believe it or not - you can achieve this feeling of content all by yourself, without the need or requirement of anyone else in doing so. Unfortunately - so many people get caught up on receiving these feelings from other things outside of themselves - that they never really take the time to explore alternatives directly available to themselves - by themselves - for themselves... It is important for you to explore these things.

For myself - it is music. I can listen to music and become so inspired and enlightened - that I can get over any immediate borderline emotions present. With practice and awareness - I can learn to listen to music whenever I feel like my emotions are becoming dysregulated and taking over my logical side. It is a choice - not a skill.


Returning to your issue; I believe that your feelings for one another are purely genuine. I do not discredit your feelings for one another, whatsoever. The feelings that you share and the trust you have for one another is unmistakably a beautiful thing – and it could potentially be a lifelong experience. However, I will say that in my experience – and personal experience at that – dating a fellow borderline is NOT good. That is not to say that it is impossible. I am not talking in a black and white – all or nothing way. I am merely suggesting that going into a relationship with a fellow borderline - who also happens to be invested in a highly codependent relationship with you - is not grounds for a positive outcome...

To explain myself: I dated a fellow borderline – coming out of a DBT program. She and I loved each other. We were each other’s bricks. Despite my therapist urging me not to invest myself into someone at the time, let alone - and especially – another borderline sufferer – I proceeded anyways. I stopped going to therapy, because I felt I did not need it anymore, I trusted my girlfriend so much – that I gave up on therapy altogether and even gave my therapist a cold shoulder upon hearing her suggestions to stop dating this particular girl... Well, both of us got worse. Within a month we broke up. We lost control of our own lives – I was miserable and depressed and went right back into therapy in need of another form of support… And to make a long story short - I then fell in love with my therapist... And that was extremely hard to deal with when she left soon after. She claimed it had nothing to do with me - however, deep down I still have the inkling nagging at me that it was entirely my fault - and that the only way to help me as a patient and borderline sufferer - was to set boundaries and separate herself from me...

The thing is – no matter how much we think a fellow borderline will understand and know how to cope and support another borderline in a relationship – it is a recipe for disaster. And that is coming from my own experience. Please – set boundaries for yourself, re-consider asking her out or going into an intimate relationship. Keep the trust circle between the two of you – but do yourself a favor – and look after yourself. As others have already said on this thread - concentrate on other things and other people...

Just imagine this for a moment… Five years from now you have received a degree pertaining to music, animals, human rights, psychology or criminology… You come out of university looking for a job and a destination in life… You call up this particular girl that you are currently talking about. She says she has been doing well and got over her addictions and went to school and also got a degree. Both of you have level heads – both of you have your individual aspirations and goals. Both of you, “WANT,” each other – but neither of you, “NEED,” each-other… You are both healthy individuals at this time – and because of this, you merely, “WANT,” each-other… And that is healthy.

IF that was how things were – I would say go for it.

If that was how things were - you two could succeed in a relationship – given that you remain aware of your borderline tendencies and try hard to stay on top of any urges for that - WANT – turning in a NEED. Being borderline and maintaining relationships is ultimately a lifelong process. It is a constant part-time job. If you fail to recognize the importance of such a task – then things can easily falter and you can be left all alone and depressed – wondering what on earth happened. Next thing you know – you cling onto the closest person to you at the time – and repeat the cycle on and on through time – and history continues to repeat itself… Not fun.

I think that you two are so alike in so many ways that it appears as though it may be the, ‘right,’ kind of love. That it will in some way; fulfill the borderline void in the both of you… It makes sense – logically it makes perfect sense, to us borderlines. After-all, who better to date and marry - than someone just like us – who can understand without requiring an emotion driven explanation of utmost proportions… But remember - love is blind. Unhealthy people typically attract unhealthy people... It is just the way things are and in this specific case - I'd say it is so.

I think you should set boundaries. I think you should not date your friend. I think you should remain great friends with her – appreciate the feelings that you have for one another – but truly ask yourself whether they are a product of your human needs, wants and desires – or a product of your borderline tendencies…

Please –please – please: truly dig down into your foundation and make a solid support for yourself - if you do decide to date this girl. Regardless if you date this girl - you should build up a solid foundation for yourself anyways - because you sound like you could use more resilience by your way of your own hand. I only say this because I cannot see things going smoothly. I think it’s a recipe for disaster. I think you would be harming both yourself and her if you decide to go through with the intimate relationship… Lots of friends try dating and they ruin what they already have, which is beautiful.

This is something you really need to think about – given your dependency on her after you said: “If she dies, I'll kill myself, and if she just leaves then I'll lock myself in some psychiatric hospital for a couple of years so that I can't kill myself... as she'd blame herself and I could never do that to her.”

Genuinely – that concerns me. It concerns everyone who hears it. And it’s important for you to validate these feelings because in all honesty – the advice you are seeking – it seems that you have been so blinded by emotions and feelings for this girl - that you cannot see the advice that should so easily come to you. I know how it is – once I have a girl in my head – everything else goes out the door. I am like the millennium falcon being sucked into the death star by the tractor beam… But that’s just it – I am stuck – I am blind – and I am slowly moving towards death… It’s the borderline way – and it happens if we aren't on top of things.

There’s one thing in particular that my therapist said to me. That is: “To set yourself up for success.”

I do not see in anyway – how you would be setting yourself up for success – by dating this girl. None - whatsoever. There is just too much risk, you both are too unhealthy – there are too many negatives and too few positives in your lives. What you really want is someone who is healthy – who can bring out the best in you. Someone who can test you and help you to see - the need for change in your own life. Someone who keeps you moving forward – not someone who will stagnate growth and allow you to continue being unhealthy… There's a reason why unhealthy people attract unhealthy people - and my first guess would be that two unhealthy people would feel more comfortable being together and continuing to live unhealthy lives without feeling the pressures to change. After-all, change is hard. Problem is: some people mistake that as merely being accepted for who they are, but really - it is just an excuse to continue being unhealthy and feeling good about it... It's sad.

Another thing you could do – is test the waters. For us borderlines; we always seem to fall HARD for someone. Well, given that you are both borderlines and that you both talk about, ‘stuff,’ - perhaps by laying down the law – and mutually agreeing - to a testing of the waters before making any big decisions or big assumptions – would be better than just acting on emotions and impulses without saying anything at all… Before you know it both of you could fall hard for one another and things will go sour and both of you will end up hurt and worse off than before... The important thing is to maintain the current level of communication and trust between the two of you - if you decide to go forward – regardless of whether or not; a good or bad outcome results in transitioning to a more intimate relationship…

You say that you have only ever been close to two people and that you cannot see yourself having other close friends… That is unhealthy. It’s unhealthy to, “put all your eggs in one basket,” regardless of what aspect we are talking. That phrase can literally be applied to anything and everything… It tells me that you have become so reliant on this friend of yours that you no longer feel the need to find relationships elsewhere… It also tells me that you are so infatuated by this person that you are willing to let her control your life – as in: because you feel like she alone; completely fills the void inside – you no longer require other friends or social connections… That is not healthy.

In case you feel as though you cannot possibly find another friendship like the one you have - you CAN. There are so many people out there who deserve your friendship and you theirs. It's just a matter of finding the necessity to pursue those friendships. That will make all the difference.

As hard as it is to get out there and try to find new and worthy friendships – in your current situation I think it is of vital importance to spread your wings and fly – and go out and build a more rounded social support system and network… That goes for everyone. What happens if things go sour between this particular friend of yours? Who do you lean on then? Who do you seek support from? And just so we're clear - it is NOT a solo trademark of borderline personality disorder: to need others to lean on in times of need… It’s a human need and a requirement in the evolution of living and maintaining, an otherwise: healthy lifestyle from the ground up. What we with borderline tend to do is lean on others so heavily - that without them - our entire world would be upside down. In retrospect: it is about balancing supports for ourselves on many things - so that if one goes down - we have a choice of other supports to lean on if necessary...

My advice: take time to explore these feelings that you are having for this girl. You already know that you are Borderline, so you already know how impulsive we can become while inspired by an emotion or a thought… There’s absolutely no reason why you have to make any decision right now. You can take your time. You can journal, go see a therapist – and ask for advice in person. You can work on getting yourself to a more healthy place before making a decision. You can allow your friend to get herself free from addictions and on a more positive path in life. You can both work together, (as friends) to make a better life for one another - and not get into an intimate relationship. You can do so many things – and believe it or not: "You don’t need her in order to do those things. You CAN do whatever you want – by your own accord – without any help from her."


I hope I haven’t written too much. I could continue – and I probably should – because I’m genuinely worried about how you’re going to respond to this – let alone how you are going to handle the situation you are in…

Personally – I have been alone on purpose for about 4 years – and in that time I have learned the importance of learning to become self sufficient, independent and without the requirements of any one thing in my life… I could just as easily become absorbed by one girl, or an addiction as anyone else. I am just as fallible as anyone else – but I continue to accept and recognize the importance of dealing with a borderline diagnosis – and I know that I can easily become blinded by my own emotions if I let them…

In saying this – it is not a bad thing that you are currently feeling the need to enter an intimate relationship with your friend… You are both, after-all – 18 years old or younger… Perhaps you need to learn for yourself what it all means. Perhaps you need to make some mistakes of your own rather than relying on the advice from other’s and their own mistakes…

In this sense: please let us know what you decide to do. And PLEASE – look after yourself and always PREPARE for the worst. Always. Because you are too important to let something as silly as one girl ruin your life – regardless of how highly you hold her in your mind.


Thanks,
HD7970ghz