Yes, you deserved to be loved, especially by yourself. I've pushed people away too - afraid of what I'd do to them (not physically, but I don't know - psychicly poison them or their regard for me?) - I still hide when I'm depressed. Talk to your doctor about how you feel and what's going on. They'll be able to help. And we're here at PC to support you as we can too.
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W.Rose
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“The individual who is always adjusted is one who does not develop himself...” (Dabrowski, Kawczak, & Piechowski, 1970)
“Man’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.” (Oliver Wendell Holms, Sr.)