Thanks for all the stories. I didn't know that vacations were commonly difficult. It was the first time I had to manage an extended break while I wasn't also away myself (like Christmas.) I was terribly confused. I missed him so much and then I was just frozen with fear, then shame, then anger and frustration. It was almost the first time he saw me cry but I held it together.

I mostly sat there stewing and I was a little angry. I was also saying terrible things to myself, something I'm in therapy to work on. I am not kind to myself at all I cast lots of blame and carry shame around. I had something I really needed to tell him but he stopped me, assuming I was trying to derail something difficult we were discussing, but in my head they went together. We've cleared it up (via email) and I think he'll definitely give me the chance to tell him what I couldn't last time.

My poor T spent those 45 min trying to get me to be okay with that present moment, no matter how awkward and strange it was. He might have succeeded because I'm feeling a bit better than yesterday. I'm hoping for a much better session coming up but I think I have to learn to be ok with some sessions just being hella sucky