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Originally Posted by nowheretohide
I think you're going to get yourself into a really tough spot if you blow through the rest of them in high doses then find yourself without any benzos... once your body gets used to benzos relaxing you all the time you will be a nervous wreck when the carpet is suddenly pulled out from under you.
Talking to your nurse practitioner could also be a good idea... this way you will be accountable to someone and you can work on it together. Benzos are highly addictive, especially to people with anxiety problems, and she will understand where you're coming from I think. She already knows how addictive they are and that's why she's trying to steer you away from them even without knowledge of the abuse.
I didn't take as high of doses as you and so forth but I eventually told my doctor I stopped taking the alprazolam (as much as I wouldn't have minded getting another 90 day script and going to town)... it was a long time ago but I remember he seemed very surprised when I told him I stopped using it and didn't need another script.
You can do it!! As motivation just remember that you don't want to get yourself into a spot where you are going through benzo withdrawal... based on what I've read it is a very, very unpleasant experience. The best thing you can do is use the rest of your xanax as needed to ween yourself down and then turn the page on the benzo abuse - best option is to just tell your doc you don't need any more once you've weened off of them, although it definitely seems like she already has decided this is what needs to be done and the supply will be taken away soon anyways (so don't get into a withdrawal situation by ignoring this fact!!!!). Good luck, man - be strong!!
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Yeah she's mentioned a lot about physiological dependence and what problems it can cause in the long term. There was already a two week period where she gave me new meds (trileptal) and I tried not to take any xanax and so many things in my life (work and friendships especially) just became unbearable and I was basically a mess of depression. And since then she's given me valium because it's metabolized slower than xanax or something? And she seems to want to wean me off of benzos by using it, but I've just started abusing that too and mixing it with the xanax and weed and other pills (neurontin) that she prescribed.
Whenever I get depressed or anxious or overwhelmed I just automatically reach for the drugs and I just don't feel like I have the strength to tell her because I'm just not convinced things will improve if I do. And I know that sounds so typical of someone struggling with drug abuse and dependence, but I can't help the feelings that she'll judge me or pull all my meds or get angry at me for omitting the truth.
Thank you for the support though. I think I'll have to do some soul-searching to find answers but I just don't know if I'm ready to drop the meds I've been abusing, as messed up as that sounds. Which on some level I understand is why I need to tell my NP the truth, but I just don't think I can. I think I'll just start abusing something else in place of the benzos (I've found that the neurontin can have a similar effect in higher doses than I'm prescribed). But maybe I'll find the courage to tell her. It's just such a complicated situation... But thank you again.