It is possible I just crashed. The thing is though even though I was wired a lot I was still sleeping good. Well as good as it gets for me which isn't great. But I was getting enough sleep.

I have been thinking about it and using my little self therapy techniques and I really think it has to do with feeling totally isolated from my siblings. It is not their fault at all. It is me comparing myself to them. In fact I am very grateful and fortunate to have them all.

I have been grappling with my life situation and trying to accept it for the last year and a half. I am not there yet. I think being around my sibs and neices and nephews just kind of threw the whole thing in my face. It is very difficult going from working and having a good job and being self sufficient my whole life to getting fired and going into a six month long depression and feeling like my only option was to apply for SSI.

And I don't have much of a support network anymore. I have my family and friends and a pdoc. But no one who really understands. I have one friend who is bipolar and we talk a lot but she has really never had enough treatment to know how to help or what to say. She is on like 6 meds and drinks 15 beers a night. She is still heavily self medicating and does not have a lot of awareness. I need someone who also has severe depression for many years and has had a lot of treatment for it.

Thats a large part of the reason I feel so isolated from my sibs. I can't really talk to them about it. None of them even brought the subject up. I can talk to my brother about meds because he is a pharmacist but it doesn't go deeper than that.

It is a very lonely disease. I think I will talk to my 15 beer friend. I know she at least understands it.