When I am not involved in caretaking my friend, I am usually just by myself doing nothing meaningful. I know that is a recipe for being unhappy. Just now, a neighbor stopped by, and it was nice to talk to someone.

It seems like I am getting afraid to leave my cocoon. There used to be a Drop In place for persons with psych issues that I used to go to. It kind of faded away. Sometimes I feel like I need help to come out from under my rock, but there isn't anything like that that I know of. There are community centers with activities. I tell myself that I should go look into that and find something to participate in. But I keep feeling too afraid. My main thought is that I wish I were out of this life. It's awful to feel like that. I want to fall asleep and not wake up.

I used to have my job to go to. My s/o used to be well and could come visit me and do things with me. I miss him being the way he used to be. I'm on SSDI now and haven't worked in two years. I wish I could have just died instead. I think I should talk to someone about how awful I am feeling and that it seems to be getting unendurable. Maybe this will blow over and I will have a few good days, until the next bad episode. I think of taking pills or drinking to knock myself out to escape feeling real bad. But I don't really do much of that. I just feel so desperate, at times.