Yesterday my therapist and I discussed more than once how I was awfully angry at someone who doubted the story of my past because I was "too nice, too charming, too charismatic" and called me a sociopath. Oh my God, that made me so furious!! Well, the doubting my past thing made me so angry!! The sociopath thing just made me laugh really. Clearly that person doesn't know me at all

I got the raging anger out of my body eventually by punching pillows, but the quiet anger is still very much sitting with me. My therapist tried to help me through this but it really took a while until I could finally just accept that this anger is justified and ok. But it left me with the question, how do I go from here?
My Hero-T came up with a brilliant idea. I send a weekly email a lot of my friends in the UK, Germany and wherever they are and update them on how things are going. She said to make each day count right now and make it a daily letter starting with "Day #1", today. She said sharing thoughts and feelings will make me feel connected to the people that matter and it will take them on a more personal journey. So I sent an email to my list last night asking them if they would be ok if I send something daily or if it would annoy them. All but one thought it was a good idea. So I took the one of my list and now I am going to take them on my journey for as many days as I have. And I thought, I will share my daily letters with you here too. I hope that is ok with you. I don't know, perhaps I have to put them into a different topic though because not all will have to do with psychotherapy.

My update for today is this:

"Day #1

It's strange to start with Day 1 because it is actually Day #12,806 of my life. Of these days around 3,500 days were filled with pain and abuse and sadness and loneliness and without love. But that also makes 9,306 days of adventure, love, healing, fighting for a better life, laughter, honesty, challenges and so much more.
But still I am starting with Day #1 because from here on, my days are numbered and will stay in the two digit range. So, taking each day at a time gives me the chance to experience this life even more intensely than I have before. And this morning, when I woke up, I thought about what this day will look like. I slept with my window open and I realized I was woken by birds singing, beautiful blue sky and fresh chilly morning air. It really is amazing when that suddenly becomes so important that I notice a beautiful day like this. I smelled coffee from my housemates and fresh toast and I got up to chat with them. We laughed about things before they went off for work and now I am sitting outside with a cup of tea (oh and for full disclosure, a cigarette!) Yes, I should have stopped long ago, but really why stop now? It makes no real difference any more. And even my doctors urge me not to stop right now and put myself through a withdrawal process.

Later I will see my therapist, and I am looking forward to see her very much. She is one of these people who have this amazing ability to make me feel heard at the same time as making me feel protected and safe and comforted.
She almost always knows what to say and she is not afraid to argue with me, which I appreciate a lot, as you may know about me. The stubborn me is still very much alive The other day she promised to take my ashes to the place where I felt most at home in this life and it was such a beautiful thing to know that she wants to do that for me. She really has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. And I am so grateful and happy that she shares my faith.

For today I will soak up all the good this day has to offer and make it count as much as I can.

With love,
Amelia"