When I share how badly I have been treated, especially when I really was genuinely very ill and struggling. I managed to survive and thrive anyway. When it came to the extreme physical challenges, even though I was dismissed or treated badly, there was always that moment when there was an MRI, or results from having a procedure with a scope that showed that I really did have something bad taking place. When it got too painful to walk and I was treated like all I was doing was "complaining or whining for attention somehow" that moment did come when I had surgery and the surgeon finally saw that I really did have a lot of scar tissue and he could not believe how long I went like that either and how "yes" it must have been very painful.

But when I experienced post traumatic stress, that really was the worst. When I really broke, I really, really was suffering so badly. What hurt me was how my family reacted how even the professionals failed me. When someone is so badly traumatized, is it right to visit them, sit across from them at a table and tell them how they better get their act together or they will lose their marriage and their farm? I can't get that day out of my mind to be honest. Is it fair to not even visit me when I am in this creepy place surrounded by people all drugged up and all messed up? Was it fair to have me stay in that place for nine days, eat with a group of strangers on Thanksgiving, not come to see me, because my husband could not get the guns out of our home because I was suicidal, and it WAS SO INCONVENIENT?

I see my records, it was NOT the psych ward that wanted me to stay there all that time, IT WAS MY OWN FAMILY. I am very angry with my sister because the one person that would have seen it and actually comforted me, understood that I lost something I really loved so much, was my mother, but my sister WOULD NOT LET HER VISIT ME. My mother wanted to visit me and my sister insisted on keeping her away, keeping both my parents away.

My Martha Stewart older sister had her holiday gathering like she always did, it was always perfect and it became obvious to me and everyone else for that matter that she needed to have that control. I always went along with that figuring if she needed it so badly, why not let her have it her way, after all everything was always so perfect. I always made sure to compliment her and tell her how wonderful she was too. But she always had to make a joke about how I didn't cook very well and didn't really entertain, even though that only happened because every time I tried, she always had so many reasons "why" it just had to be at her home, she did that with everyone.

While I was in that psych ward so alone on Thanksgiving with no visitor, she had her ritual get together with "my family" and worked her creepy way to "poor OE stay away, none of us can help her, she needs to be in that place". Even my own daughter was swept into thinking that, which is so horrible and so hurtful to me because of how much I did for my child, I really did so much for her in so many ways.

It has only been recently that my daughter see's the reality of my older sister, because even my sister's daughter has told my daughter how my sister really is and keeps her at a distance.

I can't go to these holiday gatherings at my sister's anymore. The PTSD makes it impossible. She doesn't even invite me anyway, but needs to tell my parents that it is "me" that chooses not to come to the gatherings. My parents are too old and I don't want to upset them with the "truth", oh how I wish they were younger so I could tell them the "truth".

The holidays are so incredibly crippling for me. And with this awful PTSD, I don't have that MRI or CT scan to show how bad it really is either. It took over 4 years for me to finally find a therapist that FINALLY at least sat with my husband and told him what I had was serious, real, and often extremely crippling.

My mother and I were always very close, and my mother once told me that my older sister was very jealous of me. I could not figure that out because my older sister IMHO was so beautiful with her long golden hair and how talented she was, making all her own clothes and all the things she could make and do. However, from the get go, she never wanted siblings, she somehow just needed to be the focus of attention with my parents. That never really changed either, even now she hovers over them in their old age, is very controlling, pretends she will welcome help yet ends up pushing help away because it has to always be "her way".

One time I went to visit my mother, it was nice to be alone with her because we were always two peas in a pod. But my mother suffered a stroke in front of me and the next thing I knew she was taken to the emergency room. My sister came in and was incredibly mean to me, it was so bad that the staff could not help but notice. My sister actually blamed me, it was nothing I did, in fact I believe it was because of "her" insistence on having my mother put on anti depressants even though a surgeon who did surgery on my mother's back told her "do not do that". I did question that and from then on, I was not allowed to talk to the doctors or know what medications my mother was taking. And "yes" my sister does use my challenges against me to ensure her control. And unfortunately, the PTSD can cripple me so much that I can't seem to fight back either. The holidays were so bad for me that I ended up in my bed in a ball with too many flashbacks and a crippling headache where it felt like my brain was being squeezed. I don't have an MRI or CT scan to show how real that is either, so I don't get the support I really do deserve.

I did get to a point where I genuinely felt that it would just be better if I was not in the picture. I had NO help and everyone was mad at me. I did talk about wanting to end my life, but that was not enough proof because my husband kept a loaded hand gun in the dresser next to our bed. I honestly came very close to not being here. I do thank god I met Troy here and he explained to me how to get through these extremely hard dark days and bad thoughts that just take over and are so incredibly strong. We made a pact to remove the guns in our homes and that is when I finally told my new therapist how bad it really was. That is when my therapist immediately went into action and had my husband in and told him how bad I really was. It was not an MRI or CT scan but at least it was something that expressed I really was genuinely struggling.

I wish I had that MRI or CT scan, and I wish I could somehow play out the images that play over and over in my mind of that dog destroying everything I loved and worked so hard for. My only saving grace is that at least my husband did see it with me. If I had not had that, I know I would have gone completely mad considering how often my family is so dismissive.

The other crippling challenge is this lawsuit and how on top of everything else I ended up with a lawyer who was mentally incompetent and how I tried so hard to get help and there again it had to get so bad until "finally" someone saw it too. He made such a mess that I may end up losing my case, my new lawyer tried to fix it but now says she should have just let it get thrown out so I would have had a good malpractice case. I have to say that I am having such a hard time trying to process that my neighbor who was so negligent in spite of all my efforts to get them to contain their dogs and even tell them why it was so important and what I was doing on my farm and how valuable my horses and ponies were, they were still negligent. They knew I was serious so they allowed that dog to go out when they figured I would not see it, which was late at night or when I was not home. That negligence caused me so much damage, turned every part of my life up side down in a way I never, in my wildest dreams could ever imagine.

To say I am tired doesn't even come close to expressing how worn out I really am. I feel horrible because I often go for a long time not calling or visiting my parents. I have to be having a good day to be able to call them and talk to them even on the phone. They always ask me "how are you" and that's a hard one because I want so badly to tell them, but they are too old now to understand. I did try to go to Thanksgiving at my sisters "late" to see them, it took a lot of "self talking in my mind to stay strong". I managed to find a quiet spot to sit and talk to my father, got him talking about his experiences in the war, something "away" from him getting anywhere near asking me how I was. While I was talking to him and listening to him intently, my sister entered the room and out of the corner of my eye I could see how she was trying to draw attention to herself and looking over. I could not help but think how sad that was that she would need to do that. My father had a wonderful time, and that was because someone sat and engaged him, listened to him and he always liked that, I always knew that which was "why" we were so close. The next day my sister called me and the conversation was mostly about her need to tell me that what I was doing was something "she did a lot too". Wow, I could not believe how she needed to do that, I didn't point it out, I just did what I had always done and told her how great everything looked and how wonderful she is and supported her need to feel she was just so much better than me. There was a deep sadness in me because of how I always looked up to her and I did love her, I never looked at it ever as some kind of competition. It is just so hard to see the way she looked at it, not loving me as I thought, but just needing to stand out so much as though she needed my parents to see her as the best child somehow. That was not anything I ever needed or even reached for, it never even was a thought that developed in my mind, in fact I feel that when that takes place it just divides a family and it is sad.

I have read/listened to so many sad stories in this forum where different members struggling talk about their families and the dysfunction and how badly it affected them, so much so that they had to disconnect from their families altogether. I can really relate to the challenge of stepping away and learning how to look at it, at each person and the "whys" behind their
unhealthy behaviors that can be abusive and so damaging.

One day my daughter came home to get something and we talked a little bit. She was struggling and distant and looked at me and said to me, "I
(meaning her) have been emotionally abused!). I had enough therapy and time interacting here at PC where I could respond to her "correctly".
I did not even try to defend my own very real challenges. Instead, I looked at her and told her that I loved her and always did, that when she is ready I will sit and listen and hear her out and take on the responsibility for anything I did not do for her. I wanted her to know that "anything" she needed to vent out, would be heard and validated. I know I was a good mother and did everything I could for her, I did go without so she could "have" too. But I could not be there when I was very ill, and I was always very sorry for that because when that did happen, she did not have someone there to comfort her. My husband failed in that role and forget my sister. My daughter was no where near being capable of seeing that
the reason she had times where no one was there for her, never meant she was not loved, but that the person that kept trying to hold it all together "me" was seriously out of commission through no fault of my own. I understand she can't see that "yet" because all she "can" see is her own hurt. And that is another one of my challenges, I certainly have a very "full" plate IRL outside PC. PTSD sure did put a big distance between me and the one person I loved the most in my life, my daughter. It took way too long for her to have anyone
explain it to her too. She never talked to my T, it was just not something she
could do, but at least my husband spent enough time with my T so he could
talk to her about this horrible thing called PTSD and how mom is trying very hard to deal with it's crippling challenges. I know he isn't all that great at it, after all, it is hard for people to understand, but something is better than nothing.

OE