I'm going through a different phase in my live.
I can say I'm better which is ok. I often search inside myself the little details that can prove me that I'm doing better, I have two.
Having fun and energy to play and laugh with little kids, and don't lose the ability to love them in the meantime. And I feel it's easier to talk. I mean, I don't want to get much more of those days when others talk to you and not a single word come out of your brain. Just a smile in the face. Indeed, some of these days I notice that my brain is getting free, in teasing and saying jokes and not feeling fake and forced while doing it.
But there's so much in the reverse. Always the same, but always painful. During this time I had been focused my search on how my memory evolves. But I don't know, I still get very confused about everything, like I can't know which day it is, what I did today...and so on. And that thing everybody does, spontaneausly charing things, I still don't do that too much.
It's a little sad, that everyday I get earlier to the class and I sit somewhere in the amphitheater, those sits around me will be un-occupied. Classmates enter the room, everybody is sitting next to somebody else, but there's this row of chairs that will be empty. It hurst. I know I could just stand up and go to someone else, but it isn't as simple as it looks, not in my mind. Not in the mind of that person who makes herself entering the student's room, where everybody is, being next to them some seconds and imediatly leave. Because, it's me chosing people, it's me going to them without knowing if they want me there. It's me trying to interact with people that are having those private conversations and I'm the extra one, who is comenting or just leastening about something that is not my busyness.
I can't get out of this state of depersonalization-like. I can't hold those good feelings about other people when they get out of my sight. I can't miss anyone and anything, and I can say the same thing about loving someone or something. "Out of sight, out of heart". I can't be concerned about life, just let it go on. Like if life could take care of itself. I'm a curious person who likes to learn new things, I want to graduate and have a solid knowlegde in the area I'm studying, but even so, I get home, I sit in my desk, and I think: tomorrow, I will do it tomorrow, while I should be worry about the time I have left to finish what I have to do.