"I can't stand that I have to be responsible for making things ok for myself when I wasn't the one who f.ucked me up in the first place. So much loss.... I feel like I can't bear it sometimes."

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. But it does get better. The above resonated with me there were so many times I'd sit in front of T stomping my feet saying loudly "BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!" for this very reason. True, I didn't "do" any of the stuff that effed me up. But T said to me things like "True, it's not fair, and you didn't have a choice then, but you DO have a choice now" enough times that I finally got it. The point now, is, that I am stronger now and I have a choice - I can choose to remain miserable OR I can choose to be in control because I can be now - I'm not that lil girl with no power anymore. So I chose the latter - it's been hard work, I've felt wretched at times, pounded my fists on my bed in frustration, hollered at T more than once "all these other people get to walk around every day being crazy, why can't I?" and she hated hearing that I think cuz she'd say a dazed-sounding "Wh-aat?" in response. It's a process, sometimes a long process, a painful process, but I have come to see that it is also sooo worth it all.